It's all about the O

Ever had one of those Os that was so intense that u felt like u coulda gave birth to it and named it BobbySue or some other such absurdity in the midst of singin 'Our God Is An Awesome God' and 'The Only Time' -- as in NIN -- and u felt like a three month old tryin to crawl but not even yet masterin the whole rolloveronyertummy trick?


Yea, literally.

So eye woke up this mornin with this slickwet fantasy in mah head and in case u want a hint, LoverGirl, here ya go: TS. Now, of course, only u n eye no what that means, so eye no that u no that just typin the tee n the ess -- oh, es -- churned things up just a bit 4 ltl RuBlu heeyah. C now whatcha made me go n do . . . now eye gotta go take care o'this b4 ix drops m'dang van off. U no, Fiya, that we still gotta christen her -- the van, eye mean -- rite n proper . . . whoowee FiyaX2n2Mo . . . betta make sho we not by no gas pumps, no whaddeyemean?

Mymymy . . . the things eye think about when eyem sposed ta be workin . . .

Leven mo days, My Fiya . . . jes leven mo . . .


Stay off the sidewalks, Kiddies!

Rublu's done gone'n'got'er license!!!!!!

Oh and if yer one of the ones that's done pissed me off recently . . .


And then I woke up . . .

My Braxtin,

I miss you, Baby . . . like the sand misses the rain, I've missed you this morning, over and over again.

I just wanted to tell you . . . that . . .
I miss your eyes
I miss your smile
I miss the way you move
I miss your voice coming from just in the next room
I miss your whisper, so close to my ear
I miss your arm around me, in the night and in the morn
I miss holding you close to me and feeling you hold me close to you
I miss watching you walk
I miss your hat on backward
I miss sitting directly across from you, deep in conversation
I miss seeing your whole face light up, when you smile and when you laugh
I miss seeing the depth of emotion in your eyes, when you speak or hear of sad things
I miss feeling the heat of the fire, when you become enflamed with rage . . . and desire
I miss touching your face, anytime and everywhere
I miss the way you smile at me, in those moments when only I can see
I miss feeling you watching me . . . and hearing the change in your breathing when you realize that I'm only acting as if I don't know
I miss feeling you watching me . . . and hearing the change in your breathing when you know that I know just what you're feeling as I watch you, watching me

But mostly . . .

I miss being able to see your love for me reflected in your eyes when you're looking deep into my soul, and you're saying, "I love you. I fuckin LOVE YOU."

You are my world, My Sweet Lover . . . you are the delight in my heart, the churning my soul, and the light in my eyes. I miss everylittlething about you . . . and I can't wait until I can feel you next to me once again.

Your Angel


I am troubled
By your eyes
I am struck
By the feather
of your soft
The sound of glass
Speaks quick
And conceals
What your eyes fight
To explain

~jim morrison
this is what it is
to be beloved

when words prove inadequate
held against
a touch of your lips
the softness in your eyes
the sweetness of your belly
breathing in time
with me

this is what it is
to be lovedbe

when the drum of your heart racing
drowns out all but the music
that captures in my heart
the way you look at me
as if i am fine art

you touch me as if i were beautiful glass
that you are afraid you might shatter
if you
touch me too much

you arouse in me things that i
had long since forgotten
or never knew could
out here in reality

maketh me to lie down
in green pastures
that is God
showing up once again
within a beloved

i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i feel you watchin me

i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i feel you wantin me

i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when your smile caresses me

i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when you reach out wantin me

i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i am your



Fannin the flames, I become lightheaded from the heat I've helped
create. Fire tender, I love the sound of the rain & the wind in the
trees . . . Selah
Sittin here, watchin these flames, I think of the fire that exists within each of us, and the fire that we together create. Why is it
that you cannot see my fire? Are there other things of me that i can see,
but that you cannot? Believing is seeing . . . As with God, one must
believe first. Sight does not precede faith. Sight follows faith.



Love Song

before i read your words to me
there is somethin i must say
about this feelin churnin
that i can't ignore away

baby, you are my heart and
you're in my soul, my life is you
more love i've felt in our
short time, to me that just proves

that this is love, this is real
no hesitation and no doubt
but sometime i gaze and wonder
will you love all that i'm about

we've talked about our religions
our spirits and our beliefs
and we've spoken briefly of our pasts
our joys, our pains and grief

and you've walked with me through a night
when i felt my heart breakin from within
stayed with me til i could fall asleep
and shared the sunrises over and again

and i'm not complicated but i can't help
thinkin to my self
are we strong enough to stand together through
all 23 levels of hell

you've never fallen asleep when i
couldn't close my eyes
or watched me try to not crumble
when a beloved heart has died
and i've never awakened next to you
and made your coffee in the morn
we've never watched together
the moment a new life is born
so many stories there are, in between
the heaven and hell in my mind
i have had times of cruel intent
had them, long before i was kind
and i've told my share of lies and half-truths
and can never forget how many there were
the dark and the light within are unequal
will your tender loving heart, My Love
will it be able to endure

i've had the hard breakdowns and i have been thin-skinned
the longer and deeper i love someone, the harder life has been
i've felt alienated and i've pushed my loved ones away
i've held back my tears and my fears, and then begged them all to stay
my fear makes me shallow and i edit less of what i say
i rarely mean to hurt anyone, but when i do the pain don't go away
i talk a good game and i
believe in every word
but when it comes to the livin
it's like i've never even heard
i pray and i curse and i mean it when i damn
i never want to try perfection, but i'll do the best i can
and i have high expectations, of honor and loyal respect
and i behave like a son-of-a-bitch
when i feel a longterm neglect
and i get angry sometimes
enough to curse both day and night
and the God who married my parents
and gave me this Third-Eye Sight

i read and hear your words of love
and they fill me til i brim
and overflow with love and sorrow
for the depths you're steppin in

i could write my stories down for you
and stay up through many days and nights
but they are nothing and everything
to do with where i find my light

and you've walked with me through a night
when i felt my heart breakin from within
stayed with me til i could fall asleep
and shared the sunrises over and again

and i'm not complicated but i can't help
thinkin to my self
are we strong enough to stand together through
all 23 levels of hell

you've never fallen asleep when i
couldn't close my eyes
or watched me try to not crumble
when a beloved heart has died
and i've never awakened next to you
and made your coffee in the morn
we've never watched together
the moment a new life is born
so many stories there are, in between
the heaven and hell in my mind
i have had times of cruel intent
had them, long before i was kind
and i've told my share of lies and half-truths
and can never forget how many there were
the dark and the light within are unequal
will your tender loving heart, My Love
will it be able to endure



wind wisps softly
circular motions, circumventing time
without reason, without rhyme
do you feel it, my lover

i felt you awaken, just now
she came into my room
above me, settling softly
just below my feet
and she whispered
like your breath, your body moves
as you drift into sleep
she watches you
she watches me
until the time
when we two shall meet
always churning

at once, the speed of sound
bursts forth
revealing her eye
in the midst of our storm
nothing lost, nothing broken
only tossed, words verboten
moaning shrieks and gutteral wails
is that you, my love
within the veil

it is she
making way for the
new life
of our ancient love
i must have loved you before
chants the songstress
of your love and mine
how could she, but know,
to sing of love, a song divine
that has crawled through the deserts
and crossed oceans of time
always churning

circular, like the hips
of two lovers moving as one
our song, our today
my love, she's barely begun
like you, i wonder deep within me
wherefore art this churning
that sent your love to me
wherefore art this churning
that sets our hearts free

churning, my lover
she is churning


For Sister E

So I'm on the bus after my shrink appointment, and there's these two guys -- one in the seat in front of me, and the other in the seat behind mine. So, Front Guy asks what time I have, I pull out my cell, and tell him that it's around 9 after 12. So Other Guy asks what time I said, so I repeated it. Other Guy then proceeds to hit on me . . .

'I was wantin to talk to you when you first got on, but didn't know how to pull that off'
Looks like you figured it out.
'Is that all your hair'
It is now.
'I'm 45. How old are you?'
'You got your back to me. How can I talk to your back?'
Sucks for you.

Oh, and the kicker:
'I just got off work. I didn't take no bath but I took one last night and just washed up today'

Ok, first off, EW!
At this point, I'm tired of trying to be nice about tellin him to fuck off. So I said,
'Look, dude, that's TMI. I don't need to know that about you.'

Does he quit?

'I like to bowl. Do you like to bowl?'
'No? I could teach you'
Thanks. I'll pass.
'Like to ride horses?'
'Do you drink?'
'You smoke?'

After getting all NOs, then he goes for the jugular:
'Well what DO you like to do? You must like to do SOMETHIN'

So I turn around and look at him . . .
Shades on, serious look . . .
Low, deadpan voice:

'I go to church and I fuck my girlfriend. THAT'S what I like to do.'

Turned back around. Front Guy is laughin his ass off!!!!!

Takes Other Guy a minute, then he says, 'Your GIRLfriend?'

Not turning around, 'Yes. My GIRLfriend.'

You'd think he'd quit there . . .

'You think God is gonna be okay with that?'

'Look, dude, God made me, and God made my girlfriend, and I can ASSURE you that He made NO mistakes'

'Well you show me in the Bible'

'Dude, I ain't gotta show you SHIT!'

'Well I'm just sayin that I ain't never read in there . . .'

'Well maybe cuz it's not there for YOU to read'

Finally he got off the bus.

Front Dude was still laughin his ass off.




Tie my wrists above my head
Bind my ankles to our bed
Make me so hot, make me wet
Give me somethin I'll not forget
Fuck me til the brink of dawn
Lover, please me, drive me on
Make me sing, cry out your name
Ride with me upon our waves
Make me feel you deep within
There is no ending, begin again
Rock me, Lover, til I am spent
O Love, your love is heaven-sent
In the night, I cum for you
I just can't stop til night is through
In the morn, unbind me, free
I give you all I am in me
I give you all I am in me
My Lover, my Love, my Ecstasy . . .


Something . . . More

The dissolutionment paper signed, the disillusionment is over.

I woke up this morning, single for the first time in I'm not sure how long. Serial monogamist, I've been. The last five years, though, have been pretty wow. The kid doesn't know yet. Gonna try to make a trip at Thanksgiving to see him, to tell him in person. Just me, him, hangin out. Not the sorta thing you wanna discuss over the phone. He won't be surprised, though. Dunno whether to laugh about that or feel sad. Think I'll just be grateful for his resilliance.

Got an interview slot at the Seminary in a few weeks. I'm so looking forward to having my own space, not being caught up in somebody else's headshit all the time. So overwhelming it was, trying to be the anchor, the foundation, all the while my own mind crumbled around me. But it's not so bad, the crumbling. When the concrete cracks, that pain can hurt like a motherfucker . . .

(well, actually motherfuckers don't hurt if they know what they're doing, but I digress . . .)

Ahem . . .

The concrete cracking hurts like a bitch. Opening new wounds, reopening old ones, scar tissue flashing in the new light of day. And the dust feels like fresh salt on a papercut. But it's funny because the more alone I felt, the faster I healed. The more depended-on I felt, the stronger I got. When I knew that I was the only emotionally stable person in my relationship, and all I could do was hang on until the phone rang, God showed up -- in a friend, in some damned telemarketer, in my kid . . . sometimes in the person I got married to. Even the most emotionally immature person can be a ray of light, under the right circumstances.

So, I have no regrets. People keep asking if I'm okay, and get so surprised when I giggle. But what else am I supposed to do. I gave this relationship everything I had. I held back when s/he wasn't strong enough to hold my shit and I opened my arms to hold all the shit s/he dumped on me and asked me to help resolve. I learned to understand both of our shits, even though s/he never sought to understand mine. I saw the warning signs and I communicated every single one of them, and every single warning fell on deaf ears, until it was almost too late. And now it is, it is too late. S/he did the best s/he could, given what s/he was given.

But to let it end there is a copout, because just because all I was given was rape for sex, manipulation for love, and cowardice for power, that doesn't mean that when the light of day dawns, I'm not to be responsible enough to own what I've done and trade what I've been given for what will serve me better. When I come face to face with knowing what ills I have done to those closest to me, I don't get to expound on the virtues of my intentions. I don't get to manipulate them into feeling like it's wrong for them to want what they want, to turn their wanting something other than what I want into some twisted version of you-only-want-that-because-you-don't-want-me. And FUCK! If I don't get to do that, then why should anybody else get to do that to me? Not that I want to, because I feel like pure dee shit inside when I've even THOUGHT of saying "You only want to hang out with so-and-so because you don't want me around", or some other similar manipulatory statement. That was in my toolbox, too. I have a mother who used to say that the only reason I wanted to hang out with my dad was because I loved him more than her. That's what I was given. I did the best I could with that. But that never worked. So I had to find something else to use, something that wouldn't cause harm when employed, cuz when what you employ does damage, the shit don't just get on your shit-ee. It's gets on the shit-er, just the same.

You can do the best you can with what you're given. But what about when you get something more? Something less harmful and better feeling? What if you were given rape, but then given lovesex? Do you still use the rape? Or do you throw away the rape and employ the lovesex instead? And what about manipulation? What if you were given manipulation, and you did your best with manipulation, but then you got lovefreedom? Would you keep using the manipulation? Or would you give the lovefreedom, freely, with love? And what of cowardice? What if you were given running-and-hiding as the way to solve the shit you created for yourself and for others, but then somebody put an ounce of real lovepower in your toolbox and showed you the proper way to use it? Would you still use run-and-hide? Or would throw away the run-and-hide and pick up lovepower and use it the way you're supposed to?

But then, those are conscious choices, choices that can only be made if one decides to keep one's self aware of the choices -- and the benefits and pitfalls of each. We do the best we can with what we are given. But then, what happens -- what do we do -- when we get given something better, something . . . more?

I did the best I could with this relationship. Now, I'm ready for something better. Now I'm ready for Something . . . More.



butt true


not at all holy . . . butt very entertaining

DO click on the miracle box


Amazing Morning

I just had the most amazing hour. One of my coworkers' great
grandchildren was just in the office. Ok get this . . .

Kyrie eleison means God have mercy -- Kyrie, meaning God

This kid's name is Kyree

Kyree has Down's Syndrome. But he is just the most amazing, curious,
intelligent two-year-old you'd ever want to meet. He's learning to talk
through a trache, and he's just into EVERYTHING. LOL He wanted to see
my cell phone -- then he took off with it and I had to pick him up and
carry him back into the office to get it back. LOL

I've never seen a kid with DS who is as active and curious as Kyree.
I mean, really, if you watch him from behind, you'd never know he was
any different from any other two-year-old. Only a few of his facial
features give it away. And he's just as mischevious and cute -- and he
knows he's cute LOL.

Ya know, all the crap just melts away . . .


one more moment of stupid
that's what i sometimes think that i want
but would u want 2 stay there, asks the froggie in the window

well, today, i got to see what one more moment of stupid looks like

it ain't pretty

one more moment of stupid means
blaming others for your mistakes
accusing others of the crimes that you make
not forgiving others because you can't forgive yourself
operating asleep, thinking you're operating with stealth
forgetting what you say, what you want, what you do
and looking in the mirror, but never seeing you
giving much of nothing, asking everything in return
lighting your life on fire, yet never feeling it burn
keeping all your secrets, from everyone but you
never knowing where you're going and never knowing who
walking with a cloudy mind and with a hand forever unsteady
packing up the house and kids and bags, yet never being quite ready
hoarding all the stuff you can and trying to pay the least
wondering why what you think you want seems just beyond your reach
trying to jump, trying to grab, holding on to thin air
thinking you know what matters, yet never deep enough to care
wanting that bigger, better, faster, prettier painted doll
thinking you're backed into a corner while you bang your head against the wall
talking in circles, moving in squares
living your life without being there
never awake, never aware
too frightened to run
from that which just stares
and when it all tumbles down
you look all around
and gaze in wide wonder
why you can't hear a sound

one more moment of stupid

i think i'll pass


half a week ago

i'm not so okay today

this morning started with a panic attack at 6am, followed by uncontrollable shaking until about 730. that's why i was up. playing tetris on my cellphone until i could manage a little better.

up in my room, i cried heavy and long. i went into what used to be our bedroom and angrily told our dreamcatchers that maybe if they caught good dreams and let the bad ones go, there'd be more happy endings.

this is very hard. and i will be fine. i am not angry with you. i am just not really able to let you be there for me. and i'm not sure how much more i can comfort you or explain why i understand or agree that maybe this is healthiest or even talk much or let you do anything for me or even ask any more questions. there aren't any answers, anyway -- at least not yet -- for either of us. i'm sure this is as confusing for you as it is for me, or at least some aspects are.

getting divorced really sucks, as much for you as for me, i am sure. we've both put our hearts and souls into this marriage, but we've also damaged and scared one another in the process. for all the love that we feel for each other, love won't fix this. maybe time will, and it looks like the time that might heal us will be best spent with us untethered by our wedding bands.

i want for you, the same things that you want for me: wholeness, healing, love, friendship, happiness, comfort, peace, a good life, a fulfilling life, a life full of joy with the ones you love and care for the most.

this morning was hard. and there are probably more hard mornings to come, before they start to get easier, for each of us, in our own time. some will be easy. others, not so much.

i do love you, ________. and it is that love that makes it possible for me to let you go. our forever lasted five years. maybe someday, we'll have a longer forever. but if not together, then certainly a happy forever, wherever our roads may take us.

i have to get ready for work. i won't be home until late.

take care and have a good day.

ps thank you for worrying about me yesterday. i'm sorry you were worried, but i know that it means a lot that we both still care about each other. it means a lot to me, too.


From Froggie's Bag O Trix

You Are 67% Strange!

Based on your score, it seems you do have a healthy dose of strangeness. You aren't THAT far out, but you are somewhat bizarre. Congratulations on being different and having some quirks. It makes you an interesting person!

How Strange Are You?
Quizzes for MySpace

Which of the 7 Deadly Sins are you?
Your Result: Greed

What it is: Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
Why you do it: You live in possibly the most pampered, consumerist society since the Roman Empire.
Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be boiled alive in oil.
Associated symbols & suchlike: Greed is linked with the frog and the color yellow.

http://www.gotoquiz.com/which_of_the_7_deadly_sins_are_you_1">Which of the 7 Deadly Sins are you?

What Be Your Nerd Type?
Your Result: Social Nerd

You're interested in things such as politics, psychology, child care, and peace. I wouldn't go so far as to call you a hippie, but some of you may be tree-huggers. You're the type of people who are interested in bettering the world. You're possible the least nerdy of them all; unless you participate in other activies that paled your nerdiness compared to your involvement in social activities. Whatever the case, we could still use more of you around. ^_^

Drama Nerd
Literature Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Anime Nerd
http://www.gotoquiz.com/what_be_your_nerd_type">What Be Your Nerd Type?
http://www.gotoquiz.com/">Quizzes for MySpace

Ok enuff about me . . . let's talk about . . . umm . . . oh yea, this is MY bbl

You Make Me Feel Like Dancin!

Heard this on the radio just now . . . me and bestbud were buttdancin in the van . . . Sweet fun

Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I'll be here 'til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

It's always tease, tease, tease
You're happy when I'm on my knees
One day is fine the next is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know...

This indecision's bugging me
(Indecisión me molesta)
If you don't want me, set me free
(Si no me quieres, líbrame)
Exactly who'm I'm supposed to be
(Dígame qué tengo ser)
Don't you know which clothes even fit me?
(¿Sabes que ropa me queda?)
Come on and let me know
(Venga, que me tienes que decir)
Should I cool it or should I blow?
(¿Me debo ir o quedarme?)

Should I stay or should I go now?
(¿Yo me enfrío o lo soplo?)
Should I stay or should I go now?
(¿Yo me enfrío o lo soplo?)
If I go there will be trouble
(Si me voy va ver peligro)
And if I stay it will be double
(Si me quedo es doble)
So you gotta let me know
(Me tienes que decir)
Should I cool it or should I blow?
(¿Me debo ir o quedarme?)
Should I stay or should I go now?
(¿Yo me enfrío o lo soplo?)
If I go there will be trouble
(Si me voy - va ver peligro)
And if I stay it will be double
(Si me quedo es doble)
So you gotta let me know

(Me tienes que decir)
Should I stay or should I go?



how do i say this without comin off all mean and shit

here goes . . .

being with me, in *any* kind of relationship, is a lot of fucking work. it is harder to be my lover than it is to be my mother.

fuck in ay

and i fuckin like that about me


there are boundaries that if crossed, take a fuckin lifetime to cross back over again

if ever

i have no idea how long it'll take
so few of my boundaries ever get crossed, it's just hard to say


here's what i know about me

i know that i am hard as fuck to get to know
but i have relatively few simple rules
don't lie
don't steal
don't fuck with my kid, my lover, or my mother
or anybody i call anything other than 'hey you'
that's it

oh, and don't cross a boundary that i've told you to not cross
and if you do
don't expect to be able to cross back over just cuz you're sorry or you forgot or whatever
cuz you're gonna be sorry for a long fuckin time
that's just the reality

i'll be mad for awhile
but i'll be hurt for even longer
cuz i toldya the boundary
and i politely asked ya to not cross it

and if you forget
and you light the match
you're gonna get burned
no matter what your intentions were

i'm not sayin that to be mean
i'm just sayin that that's how i am
and i like me this way
it ain't an anger issue
it's a boundary issue

yea, it's kinda like a mine trip wire
i'll tell ya it's there
but if you forget, and you trip the damned thing
no matter how accidentally it was . . .

baby go boom
sometimes big boom
sometimes little boom
but baby go boom

yea, your intentions will make a difference
you'll just get fucked up
instead of just fucked
but you will get fucked
cuz if your accidental nature fucks me up, i cain't help it if you get fucked up same as me
i'll try to mitigate it as best as i can
but if i tell you that you done fucked up, and you cain't say sorry without explainin your intentions and shit . . .
well, it's kinda like pickin at a scab -- shit's gonna hurt til you learn to not pick at it and just give it what it needs to heal right

and that makes any relationship with me a lot of fuckin work

it seems like to some people that bein my friend -- my best friend, as it were -- is an easy thang
but just ask my best friend
she'll tellya, that shit ain't easy
easier'n bein my lover or my mother
but not really

i ain't mean
or even sociopathic
i'm just a lot of fuckin work
but if you want me to call you anything other than 'hey you'
you should know up front
it's gonna be a lot of work
i'm a lot of work
but only cuz
i'm fuckin worth it

i guess maybe i've always known this
but i've never felt like i deserved to really *own* this

welcome to me
it ain't easy
but at least it's never boring


Introducing . . .

Tay Zonday! LOL This kid is a vacation all by himself




Wabbit The Wise


Only Ducks In A Row

Loner Duck

Dozey Duck

Red Duck
Gim Mi

Happy Birthday To Me!

Nothin like havin your lover arrange for a whole Friday night restaurant crowd singin the b-day song on yer b-day! Night to remember . . .

Pink In The Middle
The Spring

She's Pink All Over


Qwik-E Mart!

Ru's Gone Wild!

Got suck?


Fucked Up Freddie

And for all you secret lovers out there . . .


doncha luv it?

i don't remember who sent it to me, but i'm eternally grateful everytime i watch it


sent to me by a good friend

We are what we think.
All that we are, arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.

Speak or act with a pure mind
And happiness will follow you
As your shadow, unshakeable.

How can a troubled mind understand the way?
Your worst enemy cannot harm you
as much as your own thoughts unguarded.

But once mastered,
No one can help you as much,
Not even your father or your mother.

Buddha (from the Dhammapada, translated by Thomas Byron)


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never thought i'd like grillin as much as i do. musta paid more attention to my dad than even i realized cuz cookin over burnin wood comes about as natural to me as breathin and walkin -- which i learned to do FIRST, mind you, or so says my momma who outta know. anyway, fastforad damn near two score and in our back yard, we got this brickoven barbie pit -- no dead barbies in the house -- and i like it and all, and Handsome works just perfectly on it, they know each other like brothers, noshitthesherlock. but it's a long trek and right on the other side of the fence sit our new, intrusive neighbors -- tho it's not their fault they're intrusive, damn builders put the backs of their rowhouses danm near flush up against my back fence. jabberin all in their hispy slang. makes me jealus i don't know more, yno?

soz one day a coupla weeks ago, we wuz in giant and wantin to buy a smaller grill for up on the back porch. well first we went to maxway, but their bullshit costed too much. so we headed over t'the giant where they had bullshitgrills for about ten bucks cheaper. good deal! and we been eatin woodcooked food about three/four times a week now, nonstop. pure, natural -- or as pure and natural as one can get in armpit, that is -- wood grillin. we got so much protein that when we get buff, we gon'be leanbuff. i already lost 40lbs and gettin cruised almost everywhere i go now. i got cruised in CHURCH on sunday. noshitsherlock. cute lil thang, too. sheeit! i never got cruised before, least not so's i'd know it. but these women are . . . women . . . whhhhhhhow

it's nice. but, not even.

so we get this lil doodad home and Honey sets it up and voila! we have a backporch grill. our first experience taught us what to do and how to not do what we should not do. she's been mine ever since.

i LOVE grillin out for Honey. it's one thing that i can do for him that isn't because of something else. i do it because i want to -- not because he's sick or in pain or being an ass or gettin on my nerves or pissin me off or hurtin my feelins or because he asked me to or . . . any of that stuff. there is no, 'i love doing this for you because . . . ' cuz there is no because. it is what it is, and it is very good.

so we hit the grocery about every week and we buy these good-sized roasts on sale and we bring them home and i fire up the barbie and slice'm down into steaks -- another great idea from Honey -- and we season'em and let'em cook over wood from our back yard or sammy's across the way.

speakin of which, wifey is preggers. seven months now. she's so gorgeous. i almost feel like early helena. so, i've gotta try to be a little tamer cuz she's gonna be fierce over this baby and i wanna see this kid as often as possible.

kid of mine is excellent. he told me, on the ride home, that he wants to be married, before he's thirty, to the man of his dreams and he wants to adopt a single baby girl because that's all he can deal with. of course, he wants his best friend to give him away because after all, he says, 'the hag gives the fag away'. k. i did not know that. if that is what he would have, then so shall it be.

he knows that my standards are high. don't be bringin no guttertrash home and actin like you wanna marry him. do, and it'll be the last time you see that thing, ever. and he knows his momma is crazy -- that she could kill somebody, bury'm in the back yard, and never spend a moment in jail because of it. she's crazy. and she's got the papers to prove it. lock me up and medicate me? and that's a bad thing because . . . lock me up in a population of hardtime dykes? and leave me unmedicated? ah . . . such are what sweet dreams are made of

sweet dreams are made of these
who am i to disagree
i've travelled the world and the 7Cs
everybody's lookin for somethin

SOME of them want to use u
SOME of them want to be used by u
SOME of them want to abuse u
SOME of them want to be abused

night beckons
so does Honey


i was thinkin in my mind tonight about that time you showed up at pride for me -- my first pride, actually. i was wishin that i'd run across that road and hugged you and told you that i loved you for comin there cuz i knew you were there for me. i dunno if you had other reasons. i just know that i believed that i was one of'em. it might not've changed anything but at least you'da known how nice that felt.

sometimes i wish that you and yourn could come up and hang out with me and mine and sit on the mall and mback porch and talk shit about the shit in the summertime moonlight. anyplace with a prick at one end and a buncha pussies at the other deserves such an honor, as i discovered with my best friend a coupla months ago. hell, we got the space. y'all c'mon. just call first. that way i can pick up some cherries and whatever 'lectrana and the boy like.

anyway, no wonder u wuz in my head tonite. glad i got upta see what it wuz.

peace, my brutha


you're in my head tonight

hope you're ok



This is sad news . . . BUT now I REALLY want to be a fly on the wall when St Pete opens those gates and Falwell comes face to face with Yolanda Denise King!

Can we say, "Ouch! Ouch!"

DAMN!!! An ass in the hole really IS worth two snorts o'rush!

My heart is truly sad

Yolanda Denise King has died.

Wonder if she was *family*.

God, I had to pray for his family too.
Sometimes it really SUCKS being a Christian.

cue taps


Television evangelist Falwell dies at 73

Too early to hope that God shows up as a big, black drag queen when St Pete opens the gates?

stspreservusandblessallthelilpygmychirrenlivininthetundra ayhallelujahmayun


noshitsherlock, or sage and smoke parts i, ii, & iii

my best friend builds spaceships out of incense sticks.

she has this incense burner . . . this tiny, pinkie-tall base-and-cover doohickey. so she puts the stuff in, sets it aflame, and the cover has these holes all around it. so she lights about three, four sticks and sticks them in, end-first, into the little eyelet holes, and i swear . . . well, i can't swear 'cause it's against my religion, but noshitsherlock, she picks it up and the star trek music -- the old one, of course -- and i start singin this cheesy rendition of the cheesy first-star-trek music, an alla sudden we're talkin' about men in black and weird shit-o-meter shit.

it's the funniest damn thing.

but it really does look like a spaceship. noshitsherlock.


nu stuff: all images, (c) 2007, ruachx, ltd.

"Neon Pink in Sepia"

"Night Sky"

"View From Below"


"Beautiful Center"


sometimes, i learn very valuable stuff on oprah

"Do you know why African-Americans have high blood pressure?" Dr. Oz asks Oprah.

"The reason why African-Americans have higher blood pressure, Dr. Oz, is because during the Middle Passage [when Africans were taken as slaves to America], the African-Americans who survived were those who could hold more salt into their body," Oprah says. "And those who didn't survive were the ones who couldn't hold more salt into their body."


Granny git yer snubnose

dos pesos a bonehead baldwin

So, I'm signing Baldwin's guestbook, sounding off on what an insufferable and continuously spinning-on-stupid prig it takes to leave his kid such a fucked up voicemail message cuz this is America and sounding off against celebrity pricks is still legal in this country. All of a sudden, one B K Morrison decides that it's his duty to correct my errant ways. Although my message wasn't to him, but to Bonehead Baldwin, B K -- short for Brain Kill? -- posted a message to those females who sounded off against "AB" -- Asshole, Big -- that said that we should all go "back to [our] Vagina Monlogues". It even named me personally! So, being the civic-minded person I am, I advised old B K to do us all a favor and exit the gene pool since he and Bonehead are the poster children for who should NOT raise children.

Brain Kill then sent me the following email, quoted here in its entirety:

You backbiting little coward..

Get out of the gene pool? I take care of and have raised my two daughters and take good care of my mother, grandmother and my common law spouse. All of them are WOMEN who love me dearly and understand the ups and downs of parenting after a messy, shitty divorce. I understand them all too well, and I have done well by my kids in SPITE of their mother's efforts to ruin my life and my relationships. How about YOU get out of the gene pool, being so callous, thoughtless and ignorant with your little attacks...and I call you a coward because unlike you, I am not afraid to post my real name. Now get back to your Oprah reruns and stop mucking about in other people's affairs..you do realize that voice mail was released to stir up the know nothings of the world such as yourself? You have been played like a violin, though a terribly out of tune one.

Good day.

See how It's being?

So if It calls me names, I guess I could do the adult thing and ignore it. Right? Right. Let's remember who we're talking about here.

Ten minutes later,
It got this response -- quoted here in its entirety, of course:

Wow! You actually wrote me a personal email so that you could extol yourself on all of your virtues. It's a good thing that somebody loves you, else you'd have no one but yourself to sing all your praises to.

How dare I? You arrogant little prick! Bet you've got a little prick, too, since such a rant as yours is indicative -- no pun intended -- of men with little pricks using big, bad, scary words. But I digress . . .

How dare I? It was YOU who started the backbiting, you shamelessly little, little man. YOU told me and another poster to go back to our vagina monologues. What were we supposed to do, just sit by and let you get away with your insulting comments? No wonder you support Bonehead Baldwin. You think you can say what you want and nobody will challenge you or put you in your place. Well, guess what, Darlin'? I'm here and ready for you. Was this the best you've got? Bring it on, you selfish little cowardly bastard! Give me a reason to whip your snarly little prick ass.

Sometimes, Pink can be in an ugly mood.

But, that was an hour ago . . . wonder how this'll turn out.


What if I woke up Mok . . . creepy . . .


coming soon, to a realtor near you . . .

see kids, this is what's known as using your powers for good.
i think.


hbday nic

"I know the thoughts of a philosopher do not depend on the judgment of the many, yet when I considered how absurd my doctrine would appear, I long hesitated whether I should publish my book."

Nicolaus Copernicus


All Settled

I've settled a lot in my lifetime. It's a peculiar thing for me to own that, but I have; so I do. At the times, I never thought I'd ever settled, or ever would settle, in my lifetime. Heh. Good luck with that.

I have to try to consider those times to've been learning opportunites, probably because Lesson Learned is quite a bit more palatable than is Wasted Time. I don't ever want to feel as if I've wasted my time. That's always my fear. The times I spent relationshipping between the late nineties, when I decided to stop settling, and 2002 still contained various forms of settling. That gets a little haunting sometimes -- like those moments when, as Meatloaf sang, "objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are". Yea, that kinda haunting.

Anyway, I have to say that I'm glad I settled when I did, and I'm glad I stopped settling relatively soon after I'd said I would. I definitely learned more about the human condition. And I think the human condition sucks, by the way.

But seriously, the settling I did was like my Honey describes -- the "at least I know the rules to this hell" variety. The stuff I put up with . . . there is one in particular. She was a deaf Jewish vegetarian lesbisexual single parent. But I fell in love with her daughter. Oh, she was my sweetheart . . . I could deny that child nothing, although I did make sure that she was respectful and courteous and thoughtful. I remember this one day, she was in kindergarten, and we'd walked her to her bus stop. There was a new kid there, and so she introduced herself, then her mother, then me, her mother's girlfriend. I was so gone . . . hook, line, and sinker. LOL And I put up with so much shit from Ms DJVLBSP! Fuck! LOL Oh my God, the changes . . . Her ex-husband was still in the picture as the non-custodial parent who still wanted her back, but then decided that he had a crush on me as well, and just couldn't understand why his ex-wife was with me instead of him. He also didn't get why Little A-Bell (my nickname for her) stopped wanting to stay with him for the weekend whenever I was around. So I would sit in the car . . . and wait. And then I'd hear her scream at the top of her lungs and no-body or no-thing could keep me from haulin' ass in there to get to her and comfort her. Every other week, it was the same thing. And her mom and I didn't even live together! I'd put Little A-Bell to bed at night, we'd say her prayers together, I'd make her clean her room, help her with her homework, play with her on the McDonald's playground . . . I'd take off work to sit in the floor and color and draw butterflies with her . . . I met her teachers, went to her Kindergarten graduation, felt like a putz when I couldn't make her Thanksgiving thing at school . . . Heart and soul, hooklineandsinker, that was me.

So I put up with Ms DJVLBSP's ex and his exasperatedly pissed off looks when I'd move him out of my way so I could figure out what the hell made Little A-Bell scream like she did. I tried to be fair. On his weekends, I did get her to spend one night, but I'd be damned if she was gonna have to stay two -- we were there bright and early those Saturday mornings to get her because I'd given her my word. K, I know, I know, but remember, this kid had my heart on a string, okay? LOL I put up with his dirty looks when he'd come over and I'd be there, and I put up with Ms DJVLBSP's lying, cheating, and jealous rages. Her paranoia, her freakish control issues (*really* freakish control issues), and her whole kit and unmedicated, non-medically compliant bipolar impulses kaboodle . . .

But the child's happiness and well-being was worth it to me, so I did it.

I'd love to file that one in my "never again" file, but as those of us in the know, know, never can only be "never" once -- you can't "never" anything again. But you can . . . as I learned from a very dear teacher, you can "not anymore". Anything you've ever said that you'll never do, and then did, you can't "never" it again -- but you can "not" it, anymore. So I don't have a "never again" file. Such doesn't exist for me. But I do have a "not anymore" file, and you definitely believe that I will not that -- settle -- anymore.

Another song comes to mind when I think of that time in my life: Dierks Bentley, "I knew what I was feelin' . . . But what was I thinkin'?" Funny, that.
slack is good
slack is fun
slack is what
says walk, don't run
slack is good for me and you
let's all sing "Slack Hallelu"!

slack, slack, slack, slack
slack, slack, slack slack
slack, slack,slack,slack

now you know the slackslack song
won't you kindly sing along
but not if it seems like too much work
cuz that's not where the best slack lurks

slack, slack, slack, slack
slack, slack, slack slack
slack, slack,slack,slack

sing along, chil'ren

slack, slack, slack, slack
slack, slack, slack slack
slack, slack,slack,slack

git ready, this is the bridge!

slack, slack,slack,slack



i love my boy. he's such an unbelievably gifted smartass. at least give me a chance to feel sorry for you, he says. wonderful smartass . . . i said to him, on the way to the train station a few weeks ago, you know, if you wasn't my kid, i'd say fuck you right about now. my sweet child of a smart ass flips it right back and says, in his surly fuck-you tone, yea mom, like, i'm really glad i'm your kid right now. fuck! he's gettin good. where the hell did that come from?

i wonder what he's doin . . . i should catch up. it's been a coupla days.

friggin smartass

i hope you're readin this, boy. it's all about you.

she says, as she hears smartass in the background -- yea, mom, it's always all about me, didn't you know that?

where the hell does he get that from?


FUCK! Redux

How is it that a writer of such amazing proportions can kick off, yet whose death is completely ignored by mainstream news media?

What the fuck . . .

What I mean to say is, What the fuck is that about?

Shit, I've got a class.

This ain't over. I ain't sung yet.



Binary date 1.11

Rev Bob is dead
Long live Rev Bob

Hail Eris

All Hail Bob

Pass the Pipe

Long live Rev Bob

Another great Ide.a from one of my favorite luvs over at: http://www.ide-a.net/current/index.html#today:

"The e-mail [to Ide.a from his buddy] read: 'I got this from Geof Huth. Your assignment, if you want to bother with it (as I did for my entry today), is to list five little-known facts about yourself at your blog, and pass the assignment on to five other (poetry) bloggers. Apologies if this is spammish. Blame Geof. all best, Bob'".

Just because it's spam, that don't make it bad.

1. I love cold Taco Bell crunchy tacos.

2. I am PSY.CHO.TIC during my period and the drugs don't help.

3. My secret identity is Warrior Monk, defender of truth, justice, and the asskicker way. I mean, "asskicker" in a Christian sense, of course.

4. My secret hero is Pope John Paul II.

5. I recently found out that my mother's oldest son -- the bastard who abused me -- was, just a few years ago, convicted of sexually molesting a kid who was nine years old at the time, and I'm still deciding how much his life is worth. I dunno. Jury's still out.

Oh by the way, Mr. Garrison was right -- they WERE all on their periods!

1. Women who live and/or hang out together regularly tend to have synched periods.

2. BECAUSE IT'S EVIL!!! sounded like a perfectly logical argument for me this past week!

Go Garrison!!!