half a week ago

i'm not so okay today

this morning started with a panic attack at 6am, followed by uncontrollable shaking until about 730. that's why i was up. playing tetris on my cellphone until i could manage a little better.

up in my room, i cried heavy and long. i went into what used to be our bedroom and angrily told our dreamcatchers that maybe if they caught good dreams and let the bad ones go, there'd be more happy endings.

this is very hard. and i will be fine. i am not angry with you. i am just not really able to let you be there for me. and i'm not sure how much more i can comfort you or explain why i understand or agree that maybe this is healthiest or even talk much or let you do anything for me or even ask any more questions. there aren't any answers, anyway -- at least not yet -- for either of us. i'm sure this is as confusing for you as it is for me, or at least some aspects are.

getting divorced really sucks, as much for you as for me, i am sure. we've both put our hearts and souls into this marriage, but we've also damaged and scared one another in the process. for all the love that we feel for each other, love won't fix this. maybe time will, and it looks like the time that might heal us will be best spent with us untethered by our wedding bands.

i want for you, the same things that you want for me: wholeness, healing, love, friendship, happiness, comfort, peace, a good life, a fulfilling life, a life full of joy with the ones you love and care for the most.

this morning was hard. and there are probably more hard mornings to come, before they start to get easier, for each of us, in our own time. some will be easy. others, not so much.

i do love you, ________. and it is that love that makes it possible for me to let you go. our forever lasted five years. maybe someday, we'll have a longer forever. but if not together, then certainly a happy forever, wherever our roads may take us.

i have to get ready for work. i won't be home until late.

take care and have a good day.

ps thank you for worrying about me yesterday. i'm sorry you were worried, but i know that it means a lot that we both still care about each other. it means a lot to me, too.


Frogspond said...

I once thought that it would be easier to end something with a soft "I love you" and quiet close of the door. As, opposed to anger and yelling.


I'm not so sure.

I think they both suck, just for different reasons.

Ruach X said...

and suck they do!