i've been thinking a lot, these past weeks, about who and what i am, about where i am, and about why i am the way i am

i wasn't always this way

i used to not be okay with being pissed, angry at the world--my self, my parents, God, and a few other folks. i used to bury a lot and lose my whole self in other peoples' shit. mostly i felt guilty, too, cuz i came when those bastards raped me. i thought i was just some twisted up little fuck, only here because there was nowhere else for me to be

i'm better now

in my time with you, i learned who i was and who i wanted to be
with an unblinking eye, i took long looks in the mirror at my past
i used your mind as my playground, to figure out my own self
i listened
and i talked
and then i listened some more
i made the best damned decisions
and i fucked up the best damned moments
it was never boring
was it

or maybe y'don't
if i could do one thing
i would say thank you
you gave me nothing and you gave me the world
you let me belong my self to you and in doing so, you gave me back to my self and you let me know that no one had the right to take me away from me

pretty fucked up that someone would need to learn that
but what the hell, everybody's gotta learn something

because of what i learned in my talks with you, i know what i will and what i won't
and nobody gets me to fuck-you unless i wanna get there
and i get there whenever i feel like it
nobody fucks me anymore unless i say it's okay
and i don't say it's okay unless i get to fuck back
i loved being the only one who wasn't afraid of you
i learned words from you, and i learned how to use'em
i also learned about lying
but that wasn't from you
i learned a great lesson that day
i learned how to smoke cigars and say niggerniggernigger and laugh my ass off, and i learned how to piss people off just by pulling out a mirror
i was a child, i was a woman
i was fucking happy

i hope happiness is a condition for you now
if i could want anything and have it be so, it would be that you would be the happiest fucker on the planet
second only to me, of course
let's not forget who's doing the talking here

i dunno why i needed to say this
but i did
i guess i just woke up this way

the people in my world get better and better, just because of my having known you
ain't it a trip
ain't that a fuckin riot

cheers, love


Anonymous said...

If you meet the Bodhisatzva in the road....

Ruach X said...