since my friend's suicide, i've been off . . . a lot. it's been a rough fucking term. and while there is no good time for suicide, i do wish she'd've not done it in the middle of the fucking term and at Easter at that! when your year starts off like that . . . capped off by a professor who gave my ten-page research paper an F. a fuckin F?! she and i need to talk.

ahh . . . that feels better.

so, this faith thing . . . i think my essential question to God has been 'why yes to her and no to me?' an odd sibling rivalry to have going on, but interesting, nonetheless. everytime i think of a maybe why, i realize the absurdity of that maybe, and the process starts all over again.

insanity results in one doing the same thing over and over and expecting the end result to change. eye no it isn't going to change -- the result, i mean. so what i'm doing is merely obsessive-compulsive.

compulsions are an interesting thing to self-research. what are the things i do compulsively, things i obsess about when i can't feed my compulsion to engage them in some way, things that i compulsively seek to the point of obsessive distraction? . . . wait, who put these things in there? . . .

well, food's here.

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