i hate my neighbor

i almost typed the n word. iggeriggerigger. so there.

is hate too strong a word? let's try hat, then. i . . . hat my n . . . e . . . i damn that g . . . hbore. yea, he looks like somethin birthed by somethin that says neigh, but then, that's insulting to all my horse relations. sorry, guys.

anyway, this fucker insists on parking one of his lookie-lookie-i-got-three cars in front of our house every fuckin night. i get the feelin he does it cuz it look like nothin but women live in that house and what duhell she got that i don't got. a fucking brain, dickwad. also, the common courtesy to not park in front of other peoples' houses.

shitcha not, he's got a driveway. hell, everyfuckinhouse on this block has its own driveway. so in his driveway he keeps his buttugly whatthefuckizzat underneath a cover--which, hell, if that thing was the only thing givin it up to me, i might be inclined to cover that shit up, too--but then he parks his other two cars so that one is ending just uphill from his stairs and the other one starts down the hill from his stairs, with a gap in between so he can walk through the two of them, and pimpmobillie takes up the space directly in front of half of my front yard. which i guess is better since he used to park that oil drinkin shitmobile of his directly in front of our front stairs.

well, there's one of two ways around this--and don't go givin me any of that shit about right and wrong. he knows he's wrong. just hates it that i don't speak to him unless my lover is present when i do so. gets visibly pissed everytime it happens. guess i should pity him.

fuck pity. that shit's funny. he needs a lesson in manners.

stspreservus and bless all the little pygmy children livin in the tundra. ay mayun.

i love bein married. you can get laid anytime you want to. theoretically.

oh, speaking of which . . .

it's been said, mostly by me, that i could teach a course on how to be a good wife/spouse/sigo/whatever. and though that may or may not be true, i do have a few pointers for the newbies:

1. DO make your self as trustworthy as possible.
2. DON'T, however, let your lover punish you for the shit all their exes did.

3. DO acknowledge honestly that you have baggage attached.
4. DON'T, however, get so sucked into your lover's shit that you forget that your ass needs wiped too.

5. DO acknowledge honestly when you have a crush on someone, or if you know someone has one one you, or even that you would love to know what s/he fucks like.
6. DON'T, however, ask your lover what s/he would do if you fucked your fantasy object without permission.

7. DO strive to be honest, forthright, and impeccable in your word.
8. DON'T, however, operate under the misconception that your lover wants to hear everysinglefuckinpieceofbellybuttonlint you have, at the PRECISE moment you have it. You just ain't that fuckin important, I don't care WHO you are.

9. DO make every effort to show interest in your lover's life outside of your relationship. This assuming, of course, that if you're married, you're smart enough to not insist that you be the center of your lover's world. You are that smart, right?
10. DON'T, however, poke and prod your lover with pointed questions that begin in that Im-just-asking voice that is never, ever 'just' anything. Nothing justs anything. There is almost always cause, and where there is not lies chaos. If you can't ask like a grownup, shut up til you can.

Time for lovin. See ya soon.


Aims said...

Funny thing is... I accidentally threw a cup of water on the buttugly whatthefuckizzat one day when he had just got done washing it. OOPS!!

I sware it was an accident!

Frogspond said...

I need to remeber number 4 more often


number 8 --> ROTFLMAO!!!!!

Ruach X said...

well, that's me -- the toughlove friend that says the hard shit

and likes it

Ruach X said...

fuck, too bad it wasn't paint or somethin instead of water

then, EYE would sware it was a accident


rx said...

ps dat number eight wuz speshal fer ewe, fp