but now that it's out in the open and now that i know you've been pretendin that everything's fine these past two weeks when it hasn't been, i'm sure you justified it by saying that you weren't honest with me about the email because i was so far away and then because i came home sick and then because i got impatient when you wanted to me to wait til i got back to talk about the damned car key so you were afraid or didn't want to take the risk that i'd be impatient again if you told me about your still being upset about the email and that's why you didn't tell me you were taking it with you into session.

hope your justifications keep you warm at night cuz in my book that's bullshit all the way down.

here's what i see happened.

you didn't think about what you were saying to me when you told me there was a problem that we needed to discuss in session. you didn't think about the fact that if it was small enough to wait til i got back, then it was also small enough to not bring up until i got back, given the fact that i was on my way to fly halfway round the world. you didn't think about the fact that knowing there was a problem in our relationship might concern me, especially given all of the end-of-life decisions i'd had to put in writing before stepping onto that plane. you thought that it would be okay to let me know, five minutes before i flew halfway round the world, that i'd displeased you in some small and insignificant way -- and you thought that if you just told me that much, it would be okay and that i'd never give that a second thought. you didn't even have the courtesy to tell me that it was a small and insignificant issue; you let me believe that it was something so serious that we'd have to wait til our next session to talk about it and resolve it. obviously, a key is really that big a deal to you. wish i'd known. but it ain't the key. it's the fact that your mind is like a sieve and rather than putting any significant time into practicing better memory techniques, you'd rather just enjoy the freedom to bust my ass when i forget -- that way you don't have to face what a dumbass you really are for not improving your memory when you've had the chance.

cuz you see, i notice other things now too. like how, if i ask you the same question twice, you get all impatient and snotty with me about having to answer again. in those moments, though, i know that you don't think about the number of times i have to not only answer the same questions fifty times from you, but that i also have to repeat phone numbers, access codes, and other important information to you -- sometimes twice in the same fucking five minutes. because . . .you don't write it down and put it where you can find it the first fortynineandahalf times i tell it to you. you don't think about how little aggravation -- or how kindly i show that aggravation -- you get from me when your memory starts lapsing ninetynine times a day. you don't think about that when you're getting impatient and cocky with me over a single question asked twice.

you didn't think twice about planning to ream my ass over a fuckin car key -- how insignificant it really was in the grand scheme of all that was going on. you didn't think twice about planning to ream my ass at all, in fact, because 'we'd already discussed it before' -- guess you felt justified in planning to ream my ass because we'd discussed it before and i still wasn't 'getting it'. guess i'll feel justified now in planning to bust your ass everytime you forget those little somethings 'we've discussed before' but that you STILL DON'T FUCKING GET.

you didn't think twice about warning me that i had a reamin coming to me after i got home. you didn't think twice about issuing that warning just before i got on a plane headed for a third world country. you didn't think about how what you said would affect me, about how i would feel receiving a warning like that, or even what a weeklong separation would do to me with the dark cloud of your discontent hanging over my head. you didn't think about how preparing for that trip was affecting me at all.

you didn't think about the fact that i hadn't slept in over twentyfour hours and that that sleep deprivation might have something to do with not remembering where my keys were. you didn't think about the stress that your whinywimpyneedy shit was putting on me and you didn't even consider how much more energy i was expending on making the separation as easy on you as i could make it. not once, when you were planning to ream my ass about a fuckin carkey, did you stop and think about the fact that when you locked your keys in the car that day, i did nothing but stand by you and comfort you and tell you that it was okay because i understood that you were stressed out and upset about my leaving -- that i had understood that there were extenuating circumstances for you. not once did you think about the fact that maybe there were extenuating circumstances for me, too.

you didn't think about anything except how upset you were that you wouldn't have my copy of the carkey to fall back on when -- and it's always a question of when with you, not if -- you were to lose your own copy of the carkey.

and then i called you on your thoughtlessness. i emailed you and told you EXACTLY what i thought of your wanting to bust my ass about a carkey, given all the shit i'd put up with you from the moment you got home that day til i finally got you to take your ass to bed so i could actually pack in peace without your high-intensity separation anxiety fuckin up my concentration.

you got my answer. you got my a answer.

you got what happens when you just blurt out stupid shit without thinking and i don't have the energy or the desire to think about the stupid shit that i'm thinking to say back to you to make you shut the fuck up about the stupid shit you don't need to be blurtin out to me at fiveoclockinthefuckinmornin. you got the unedited response. so if you wanna live in a world where you get to say shit without thinkin or considerin my feelings, don't fuckin cry like a little bitch when that's what you get right back, cuz that's what you're gonna get back. i'm way over protecting your feelings in those moments when you don't give a damn about mine.

i'm not getting ambushed by you anymore. i'm not gonna interrogate you or anything but i don't trust anything you say with a smile on your face anymore. fuck you. i will not be lulled into your false sense of everything-is-fine shit anymore. fuck you. nothing is fine anymore.

is our relationship okay?, you ask.

well, really, . . . not so much.

sucks that i just looked you in the eye and told you the exact opposite, don't it.

see, i can play stupid rabbit hat tricks too. hope it's as fun for you as it's gonna be for me.

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