23.8.06

And God said, 'Let there be queers' . . .

And there were queers. And God looked upon them, and saw that they were good.

God's Party Aboard Noah's Queer Ark

The First Sign
And it came to pass, in those days, that two dykes were driving upon the road in their cherry red chariot. Darkness had formed across the land and the dykes hungered. And they thirsteth.

And the first dyke saith, I thinketh that McDonald's soundeth most good to me just now.

And the second dyke saith, Yea, that soundeth good to me, too, sister. And though I loveth the House of the Waffles, I wanteth it not. I, too, wanteth McDonalds.

And they droveth on their way, looking for a blue sign with golden symbols.

Then, lo and behold, a blue sign appeared. It had golden symbols that arched and crossed. And the first dyke saith, Lo, my sister. Hereth is our sign. Let us therefore come to the place where the golden symbols shall meet. And the second dyke saith, Yea, my sister, driveth us further, that we may partake of sacred cows and stringed potatoes.

And so, the two dykes droveth to the place beneath the golden symbols. And they droveth around to the speaking pipe and a new sign appeared, with all manner of food and drink. And in that moment, the dykes saith, at nearly the same time, Let us therefore eateth of the fish of the sea, for that seems more pleasing than sacred cow. But alas, the place was darkened and no voices answereth their call. The two dykes droveth around to the window, wherein they saw another sign.

The second dyke saith, This place hath closeth at midnight. And the first dyke, looking at the hour, saith, Yea, and it is now seven past the midnight hour. And the two dykes sighed, for they were sorely hungered. And they thirsteth.

And the second dyke saith, Let us therefore driveth further. Perhaps we shall see another golden sign.

The Second Sign
And it came to pass, after they droveth their chariot further down the main road, another blue sign appeareth, with another golden symbol like the first sign. And the first dyke saith, Behold, here is our second sign. Surely this one shall be open. And they droveth to the place underneath the golden and arched sign. Alas, this place, too, was darkened and there was no room at the inn. There was even no light within the place, and the dykes were discouraged. And still they hungered. And they thirsteth.

And the second dyke saith, There musteth be a place of golden arched sign that is open.

And the first dyke saith, Yea, let us try another place.

And the two dykes droveth off, into the darkness.

The Third Sign
And it came to pass, after they droveth their chariot further, another blue sign appeareth, with another golden symbol like the first and second signs. And the first dyke was encouraged, and she saith to the second dyke, Behold, my sister. Another sign of gold and arches. And the second dyke was also encouraged. She saith, Yea, my sister, let us therefore go and partake of the fish of the sea and the stringed potatoes.

And they droveth, but did not see the place underneath the sign of gold and arches. Alas, it was darkened and looketh like it had been abandoneth for several hours. They nearly passed the place underneath the gold and arches, but then they saw it and parketh in it. And the dykes still hungereth. And they thirsteth.

And then the second dyke looked up to the heavens and saith, Yea, Father, we now knoweth that thou doth not wanteth us to eat at the place of the sign of the gold and arches. Whereth wouldst thou have us eateth?

And the first dyke saith, Yea, Lord, where wouldst thou havest us to go? For we are hungered. And we thirsteth. Where wouldst thou have us eateth?

And the second dyke saith, Yea, Lord, whither thou leadeth us, there we shall go.

And the first dyke started the chariot once more, and the two dykes droveth on their way.

The Sign of the House of the Waffles
And lo, in just a few cubits, they saw God's sign through the trees and the darkness. They knew it was God's sign, for it was the sign of the House of the Waffles. And they dykes rejoiceth, for the House of the Waffles was open. There were other people therein, and lo, there was room at the inn.

Alas, there was another sign on the door of the House of the Waffles. The two dykes must goeth and changeth the plastic denari into paper denari, for the plastic denari changer worketh not at the House of the Waffles.

Seveneth Eleveneth and the Sign of the Exploding Slurpee Dispenser
And the first dyke saith, Behold, there is a Seveneth Eleveneth next door. And the second dyke saith, Lo, and a Slurpee wouldst be good just now. For still they hungereth. And they thirsteth. And the first dyke saith, Yea, sister, getteth thou a Slurpee. And the two dykes entereth the Seveneth Eleveneth.

As the first dyke changed her plastic denari into paper denari, the second dyke fixeth a cup for the Slurpee. The second dyke saith, My sister, the Supermaneth Slurpee looketh most pleasing. And the first dyke saith, Yea, tryeth that one.

Alas, the Slurpee dispenser explodeth upon both dykes. The second dyke, not believing this sign, tryeth the Slurpee dispenser again, and lo, it explodeth a second time. The second dyke, still not believing this sign, tryeth the Slurpee dispenser again. It explodeth a third time. Then the clerk, having seen the exploding Slurpee sign three times, saith, Lo, the Slurpee dispenser hath brokeneth.

And the second dyke saith, Yea, Lord, thou doest not wanteth us to have neither Slurpee nor food from the place of the gold and arches.

And the first dyke saith, Yea, Father, thou wanteth us to have only good food, from the House of the Waffles. Whither thou leadeth, there shall we goeth.

And having received the third exploding Slurpee sign, the two dykes therefore wenteth out of the Seveneth Eleveneth and wenteth back to the House of the Waffles.

The House of the Waffles
And lo, in the House of the Waffles, there sat hillbillies with unfriendly countenances and yellow people who wouldst not understand queerspeak. But God had a plan for the two dykes, and soon after they arrived, the hillbillies and the yellow people lefteth the House of the Waffles. There remaineth only the two dykes, a queergirl, and a gayboy.

And God said, Let there be queers. And lo, the queers entered two-by-two and the House of the Waffles was transformed into Noah's Queer Ark, where there was much rejoicing. There came the transchildren and the babydykes, and the queergirl and the gayboy and the two dykes made merry into the night, for it was the Lord's night, just past midnight, at a House of the Waffles in Southern Virginia. And God said, Let there be music. And lo, although no one toucheth the juketh box, gayboy party club music began to play.

Parable of Sunday Queer Night
And the second dyke asketh the gayboy, Sir, is every Sunday night Queer Night here?
And the gayboy answereth, saying, No, noteth usually.
And the second dyke saith, Well, it should be.
And there was much rejoicing, for the gayboy had thought that the second dyke was a hoe-moe-phobe and was much relieved to findeth out that she was not.

Parable of the Invisible Smoke Screen
And the first dyke began to walk outside to smoketh, but the gayboy saith, No, you may smoketh in here, but you must doeth it here at the bar, for the booths are the no-smoketh section.

And they laughed about having an invisible smoketh screen that would keep the smoketh from traveling from the bar to the booths that sat right next to it. They laughed and laughed, until the smoke behaveth and only stayed where it was supposed to. And they marveled at the goodness and mightiness of the Lord, their God.

The Dykes Depart
And it came to pass that the dykes left. And in their leaving, they wisheth God's queerchildren a goodnight and they rejoiceth all along their way. For they knew that God had led them there and that God had thrown them an impromptu queer party, down at a House of the Waffles, just after midnight, on His night, in a sleepy little country Virginia town.

The Final Lesson
Sometimes God just wanteth to hang out with His queerkids.
And there ain't nothin wrong with that.
Ay Mayun

3 comments:

Frogspond said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Frogspond said...

Where are the sparklers again???

ythzhsu said...

i dunno but they'll be ready when your hide isn't raw anymore


lalalalalalala