All Settled

I've settled a lot in my lifetime. It's a peculiar thing for me to own that, but I have; so I do. At the times, I never thought I'd ever settled, or ever would settle, in my lifetime. Heh. Good luck with that.

I have to try to consider those times to've been learning opportunites, probably because Lesson Learned is quite a bit more palatable than is Wasted Time. I don't ever want to feel as if I've wasted my time. That's always my fear. The times I spent relationshipping between the late nineties, when I decided to stop settling, and 2002 still contained various forms of settling. That gets a little haunting sometimes -- like those moments when, as Meatloaf sang, "objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are". Yea, that kinda haunting.

Anyway, I have to say that I'm glad I settled when I did, and I'm glad I stopped settling relatively soon after I'd said I would. I definitely learned more about the human condition. And I think the human condition sucks, by the way.

But seriously, the settling I did was like my Honey describes -- the "at least I know the rules to this hell" variety. The stuff I put up with . . . there is one in particular. She was a deaf Jewish vegetarian lesbisexual single parent. But I fell in love with her daughter. Oh, she was my sweetheart . . . I could deny that child nothing, although I did make sure that she was respectful and courteous and thoughtful. I remember this one day, she was in kindergarten, and we'd walked her to her bus stop. There was a new kid there, and so she introduced herself, then her mother, then me, her mother's girlfriend. I was so gone . . . hook, line, and sinker. LOL And I put up with so much shit from Ms DJVLBSP! Fuck! LOL Oh my God, the changes . . . Her ex-husband was still in the picture as the non-custodial parent who still wanted her back, but then decided that he had a crush on me as well, and just couldn't understand why his ex-wife was with me instead of him. He also didn't get why Little A-Bell (my nickname for her) stopped wanting to stay with him for the weekend whenever I was around. So I would sit in the car . . . and wait. And then I'd hear her scream at the top of her lungs and no-body or no-thing could keep me from haulin' ass in there to get to her and comfort her. Every other week, it was the same thing. And her mom and I didn't even live together! I'd put Little A-Bell to bed at night, we'd say her prayers together, I'd make her clean her room, help her with her homework, play with her on the McDonald's playground . . . I'd take off work to sit in the floor and color and draw butterflies with her . . . I met her teachers, went to her Kindergarten graduation, felt like a putz when I couldn't make her Thanksgiving thing at school . . . Heart and soul, hooklineandsinker, that was me.

So I put up with Ms DJVLBSP's ex and his exasperatedly pissed off looks when I'd move him out of my way so I could figure out what the hell made Little A-Bell scream like she did. I tried to be fair. On his weekends, I did get her to spend one night, but I'd be damned if she was gonna have to stay two -- we were there bright and early those Saturday mornings to get her because I'd given her my word. K, I know, I know, but remember, this kid had my heart on a string, okay? LOL I put up with his dirty looks when he'd come over and I'd be there, and I put up with Ms DJVLBSP's lying, cheating, and jealous rages. Her paranoia, her freakish control issues (*really* freakish control issues), and her whole kit and unmedicated, non-medically compliant bipolar impulses kaboodle . . .

But the child's happiness and well-being was worth it to me, so I did it.

I'd love to file that one in my "never again" file, but as those of us in the know, know, never can only be "never" once -- you can't "never" anything again. But you can . . . as I learned from a very dear teacher, you can "not anymore". Anything you've ever said that you'll never do, and then did, you can't "never" it again -- but you can "not" it, anymore. So I don't have a "never again" file. Such doesn't exist for me. But I do have a "not anymore" file, and you definitely believe that I will not that -- settle -- anymore.

Another song comes to mind when I think of that time in my life: Dierks Bentley, "I knew what I was feelin' . . . But what was I thinkin'?" Funny, that.