what if they knew

what if they knew that my mother was the only thing standing between me and the death of her oldest child, and maybe some of the younger ones too

what if they knew that i'd really like to beat the shit out of my friend who botched her own fake fucking suicide--except she died

i really wanna call her a fucking bitch, but it wouldn't do any good anyway. she's fuckin dead

what if all the slugmonkeys and the fuckanoodles went to hell and came back again

what if i did

what if they knew i wanted to send them there

would they still send me to seminary

if they knew what i really think inside

like, what if they knew that every night i lie in bed or i sit at this screen and i think about chains and ropes and steel and my long black knife everytime i think about each one who pisses me off and fucks up my day

or that i lie when i say i don't and i don't when i say i do

what if they knew that my worst fear is having them know