18.1.08
15.1.08
Lost in LXTR
Ok, so I've been here in Holyville for just over a week, and I've been getting lostlostlost drivin on the roads here. First because people in this part of PA drive like fuckin MANIACS! And I mean that in the nicest and most Christian way. But FUCK!
For instance, I'm on a stretch of road where 55 is the speed limit. I'm in the slow lane cuz . . . I get lost to easily to be in the fast lane most of the time. But I'm doin 60 (or 65) in the SLOW LANE. And doofball idiots are riding so far up my ass that when I fart in my car, they say pee-you in theirs. I tap my brakes. Softly. Then so hard that CGirl thinks she's gonna go slidin off the back seat into her water bowl. No luck. Assholes apparently like to ride the assholes of others -- asshole fetishites they are, after all. So I do the only thing I can do. Stop. Right there. So suddenly that they hit the horn only because it's the only thing they can do to keep their heads from doing it for them. I laugh my ass off. They give me the evil eye as they go around me. Teeheeeheeee . . . dumbasses.
Or how about on the highway, where the speed limit is 65 and I'm doin 75 in the FAST LANE. Ya think my ass is asshole free? Nada chance. I wish I was gettin more O outta people stickin theirselves up my ass like that, but as it stands -- or sits, as the case may be -- I have to be content with slowin all the way down to 55 and grinnin like I just got laid when they give me the evil eye as they go around me.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
SO, as a new denizen of Holyville, I've been gettin lost a lot. Even got lost tryin to get outta here to go get my kid and take him back to school.
Ok, side note -- that shit ain't NEVER happenin again. Love him dearly, which is why I'm gonna LOVINGLY stick his ass on a train and LOVINGLY wave at him as the train pulls bye-bye. IF I'm in town when he arrives/departs. Or IF he's in Holyville visiting when it's time to go back. Mama's too old for that, and Froggie ain't gettin no younger neither.
Anyway, I digress . . .
So I figure out today that my drivin ain't worth shit if I'm usin a map, but if I've got TBTs, I'm good to go. So I print out my first TBT, so I can hit Wally World. See, my FiyaGrrl done turned me on to kosher baloney and hot dogs. (See what you done did, FiyaGrrl?!)
Ennyway, so I print out Wally World TBTs, and lo and behold, I make it there and back in under six hours!!!! This is truly a day for rejoicin! Right? It's a 20-minute trip -- but LostGrrl here has been turnin it into six hours on the road, only the first three of which are actually fun. (Ask CGrrl, next time she gets to blog. She'll tell ya the REAL DEAL!)
So I'm thinkin Yippeee, right? No KoBo at Wally's, but I can do the TBT thing really really well! So I print out a TBT for Weis . . . darling little LXTR chain that seems to be a favorite of my fellow Holyville denizens. It's actually CLOSER than Wally's and one of them did have my kobo last week . . .
And two hours later . . .
LOL I took a detour.
It was a axident . . .
See . . . this is wha ha happen
K, see so Weis didn't have any kosher bologna, so I started on my way back. But then I saw a GIANT. And I thought, 'Hell yea! They'll have it!' Another round of disappointment, though . . . No kobo to be found . . . so I pulled out of the parking lot . . . and turned the wrong way. Not having expected to even SEE Giant, I didn't print out turn-by-turns from there . . . Sooooo . . .
I ended up driving all the way back to Weis before I figured out, 'Hey, I should be on 462 WEST, not EAST. So I drivedrivedrivedrive til I get to a safe spot to make a yoUie, drivedrivedrivedrivedrive back down 462 West, and then make the ten-minute trip home . . .
AND STILL NO FRIGGIN KOBO!
(((((AAARRRRRGGGHHH)))))
Ok, I feel better . . .
I'm safely back in Holyville. Maybe I'll wait til after our field trip to Phily before I hunt for KoBo again.
Ah well, I did get lots of KoDogs . . . they is YUM too. My FiyaGrrl knows how to feed me, just right. Now if I can just find more KoBo to keep my new habit going . . .
For instance, I'm on a stretch of road where 55 is the speed limit. I'm in the slow lane cuz . . . I get lost to easily to be in the fast lane most of the time. But I'm doin 60 (or 65) in the SLOW LANE. And doofball idiots are riding so far up my ass that when I fart in my car, they say pee-you in theirs. I tap my brakes. Softly. Then so hard that CGirl thinks she's gonna go slidin off the back seat into her water bowl. No luck. Assholes apparently like to ride the assholes of others -- asshole fetishites they are, after all. So I do the only thing I can do. Stop. Right there. So suddenly that they hit the horn only because it's the only thing they can do to keep their heads from doing it for them. I laugh my ass off. They give me the evil eye as they go around me. Teeheeeheeee . . . dumbasses.
Or how about on the highway, where the speed limit is 65 and I'm doin 75 in the FAST LANE. Ya think my ass is asshole free? Nada chance. I wish I was gettin more O outta people stickin theirselves up my ass like that, but as it stands -- or sits, as the case may be -- I have to be content with slowin all the way down to 55 and grinnin like I just got laid when they give me the evil eye as they go around me.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
SO, as a new denizen of Holyville, I've been gettin lost a lot. Even got lost tryin to get outta here to go get my kid and take him back to school.
Ok, side note -- that shit ain't NEVER happenin again. Love him dearly, which is why I'm gonna LOVINGLY stick his ass on a train and LOVINGLY wave at him as the train pulls bye-bye. IF I'm in town when he arrives/departs. Or IF he's in Holyville visiting when it's time to go back. Mama's too old for that, and Froggie ain't gettin no younger neither.
Anyway, I digress . . .
So I figure out today that my drivin ain't worth shit if I'm usin a map, but if I've got TBTs, I'm good to go. So I print out my first TBT, so I can hit Wally World. See, my FiyaGrrl done turned me on to kosher baloney and hot dogs. (See what you done did, FiyaGrrl?!)
Ennyway, so I print out Wally World TBTs, and lo and behold, I make it there and back in under six hours!!!! This is truly a day for rejoicin! Right? It's a 20-minute trip -- but LostGrrl here has been turnin it into six hours on the road, only the first three of which are actually fun. (Ask CGrrl, next time she gets to blog. She'll tell ya the REAL DEAL!)
So I'm thinkin Yippeee, right? No KoBo at Wally's, but I can do the TBT thing really really well! So I print out a TBT for Weis . . . darling little LXTR chain that seems to be a favorite of my fellow Holyville denizens. It's actually CLOSER than Wally's and one of them did have my kobo last week . . .
And two hours later . . .
LOL I took a detour.
It was a axident . . .
See . . . this is wha ha happen
K, see so Weis didn't have any kosher bologna, so I started on my way back. But then I saw a GIANT. And I thought, 'Hell yea! They'll have it!' Another round of disappointment, though . . . No kobo to be found . . . so I pulled out of the parking lot . . . and turned the wrong way. Not having expected to even SEE Giant, I didn't print out turn-by-turns from there . . . Sooooo . . .
I ended up driving all the way back to Weis before I figured out, 'Hey, I should be on 462 WEST, not EAST. So I drivedrivedrivedrive til I get to a safe spot to make a yoUie, drivedrivedrivedrivedrive back down 462 West, and then make the ten-minute trip home . . .
AND STILL NO FRIGGIN KOBO!
(((((AAARRRRRGGGHHH)))))
Ok, I feel better . . .
I'm safely back in Holyville. Maybe I'll wait til after our field trip to Phily before I hunt for KoBo again.
Ah well, I did get lots of KoDogs . . . they is YUM too. My FiyaGrrl knows how to feed me, just right. Now if I can just find more KoBo to keep my new habit going . . .
11.1.08
CGirl's Day
Well, just so you all know, I'm pretty happy up here too. Mommy's in class for three hours a day, so I get the whole house to myself. I watch movies and listen to music, and I bark for about five minutes every morning after she leaves for class. Sometimes Mommy admonishes me to shush, but most times, she just takes it in stride that that's just part of me being . . . well, me.
So, I go for two or three walks a day, plus long drives. The long drives are mostly because Mommy gets lost when we're coming home from wherever she drives us to. The good news is that she actually likes getting lost -- but I've gotta tell ya, after about six hours of getting lostedness, I'm really ready to just get home and into some serious pee-and-nap time. Mommy can just stop in some gas station -- but me, I'm pretty picky about where I pee. It's gotta be near home, otherwise -- in the words of Morgan Freeman in Shawshank, "I can't squeeze a drop." 'Course, Mommy's pretty picky too, but I've got picky down to a science.
Speaking of home, though, here I am today, hangin out on Monk Walk.
I like Monk Walk. Mommy can grab a smoke and I can say hi to all the two-leggeds that come my way. That's one of the coolest changes so far. Before I moved here, I used to be scared of EVERYTHING and everybody. My tail would go immediately between my legs and I would just cower everytime I went out anywhere or anytime anybody came near me. Now, I just growl a little -- and, hey, if you know me then you know that my growl means nada -- but my tail just wags and wags until my whole body is doing the wag-me dance. I just wanna know EVERYBODY, sniff their hands -- but Mommy won't let me sniff their butts. She says it's impolite to two-leggeds cuz they don't like having their butts sniffed. Oh well, they'll adapt. She says that soon, I'll have many more four-leggeds here, so that'll be really cool. I like the kitties across the hall, but I don't think they're used to the C4s like I'm used to the F4s. I think that they think that all C4s wanna do is chase and scare the F4s, but that ain't so. Ah well, they'll adapt.
Anyway, I think Mommy needs to do some laundry and unpacking cuz there's stuff EVERYWHERE. She told me that we're getting a new bed tomorrow AND two used chairs and a coffee table next week. WOW! All new furniture stuffs for me to hang out on while Mommy is in class.
I think I like it here. The H2s are really friendly and patient, and I don't get so scared of their cars and trucks like I did in that big city I used to live in. I get to run around on grass a lot, and when Mommy says, "Go say hi," I really do wanna go say hi. I like wagging my tail when H2s approach, much more than walkin round with it between my legs, and EVERYBODY smells either like F4s or C4s -- which really makes it easy for me to want to say hi. PLUS, I like the small town life. Livin is easy and except for having to share the bed, I like hangin out with Mommy most of the day and all through the night.
Well, I'd better jump off here so Mommy can go do laundry.
Have a good weekend everybody -- and to all my C4s out there . . .
WOOF, Dude! Peace out!
8.1.08
'Tis official . . . I am . . . a Seminarian. A Punk Preacher. A Mystic Minister.
Somehow, this seems a bit twisted . . . Rychus, yet . . .
Five books. One class. Three weeks. Five frickin books. Thick little fuckers too. Glad this is the short term and I get a break at the end of it. LoverGrrl, I dunno which of us is travelin to see whom but I've been feelin the urge to merge every second since our last mergickal moment . . . ain't never been so whipped in my life and I dunno if livin here in Holyville's done upped the ante, but before you came along it had been SO long since I'd touched . . . SO long . . . since . . . I'd wanted . . . I can't wait to give you me and have you . . . over and over again.
Hooray for Holyville, yea?
So, the new space still needs to get unpacked but ltlCgirl is havin the time of her life . . . so excited to be comin out o'her shell that she sacks out from the fatigue of finally bein a friendly four-legged and I just hafta shake ma heayud and laff my ass off at her. Til, of course, she decides that under-my-butt is the best place to keep her tired-from-runnin-EH-VA-REE-WHERE toodles warm at night. LtlShit, she is, but that's what I get for fallin in love with the ears that go poinkpoink when she's all happy and jumpin round like the Banshee she is.
LOVE bein in my own space. LOVE FUCKIN IT. My shit. My peace. My quiet. My noise. My newfound thug music love. (Yea, it's a fuckin hoot . . . go gangsta . . . keep poppin . . . rock witme let's git this bitch poppin . . . go gangsta . . . git rockin . . . like back when tha nigga was clockin . . . Fuckin Ay!
Tho lately, with the final projects from . . . well, here in Holyville, I'm guessin they're from UpThere . . . loomin on the horizon, it's been more Yanni than Gangsta -- I gotta figure out what I'm doin cuz three weeks ain't shit, knowhadeyemean?
Pretty up here in Holyville. Think I'm gonna love it for the next three years. My space. My shit. My life . . . and MyLoverGrrl . . . It's a fuckin hoot, ain't it just?
Somehow, this seems a bit twisted . . . Rychus, yet . . .
Five books. One class. Three weeks. Five frickin books. Thick little fuckers too. Glad this is the short term and I get a break at the end of it. LoverGrrl, I dunno which of us is travelin to see whom but I've been feelin the urge to merge every second since our last mergickal moment . . . ain't never been so whipped in my life and I dunno if livin here in Holyville's done upped the ante, but before you came along it had been SO long since I'd touched . . . SO long . . . since . . . I'd wanted . . . I can't wait to give you me and have you . . . over and over again.
Hooray for Holyville, yea?
So, the new space still needs to get unpacked but ltlCgirl is havin the time of her life . . . so excited to be comin out o'her shell that she sacks out from the fatigue of finally bein a friendly four-legged and I just hafta shake ma heayud and laff my ass off at her. Til, of course, she decides that under-my-butt is the best place to keep her tired-from-runnin-EH-VA-REE-WHERE toodles warm at night. LtlShit, she is, but that's what I get for fallin in love with the ears that go poinkpoink when she's all happy and jumpin round like the Banshee she is.
LOVE bein in my own space. LOVE FUCKIN IT. My shit. My peace. My quiet. My noise. My newfound thug music love. (Yea, it's a fuckin hoot . . . go gangsta . . . keep poppin . . . rock witme let's git this bitch poppin . . . go gangsta . . . git rockin . . . like back when tha nigga was clockin . . . Fuckin Ay!
Tho lately, with the final projects from . . . well, here in Holyville, I'm guessin they're from UpThere . . . loomin on the horizon, it's been more Yanni than Gangsta -- I gotta figure out what I'm doin cuz three weeks ain't shit, knowhadeyemean?
Pretty up here in Holyville. Think I'm gonna love it for the next three years. My space. My shit. My life . . . and MyLoverGrrl . . . It's a fuckin hoot, ain't it just?
3.1.08
Where am I this eve?
Hell, I dunno . . . somewhere suspended between passion and rage. Sometimes it feels as if I live within that suspension -- as if something waits to trigger my rage as soon as I feel an inkling of passion.
My Passion, she is my Light and Life, my Laughter and my Longing. Spending our first Yule/Christmas/Solstice in the warmth of her home, in her city and in her arms, . . . this was so much a loving learning time for us. To learn how to interweave passion and patience into our day-to-day life, balancing the Es and the Es within the braid that holds us together . . .
MyPassion, do you know how your loving me as you do arouses within me the desire to love you all the more? Do you know, PassionateOne, how my desire to love you all the more makes me long and ache for you, even moments after your truck pulls away and my plane leaves the air strip? LoverMine, I miss you . . . so very much. Selah.
The rage that awaited, anticipating my return from your arms . . . it is becoming, more and more, less than the nothing that it can only aspire to be. I think that is, perhaps, the problem -- that something that what was once actually something to me is quickly fading into less than nothing with every aggravation that it is responsible for bringing into my life. As in Merlin, when things become forgotten, they . . . cease . . . to . . . exist. They become angry, irrational, writhing and grabbing onto whatever shreds are left dangling in the wind.
I used to be that wraith. Happy New Year to the one who showed me that I'm better than that.
And Happy New Year to YOU, MyPassion, MyFiyaX2. This year is only the beginning of what I have in store for you, LoverGrrl . . . only the beginning . . .
My Passion, she is my Light and Life, my Laughter and my Longing. Spending our first Yule/Christmas/Solstice in the warmth of her home, in her city and in her arms, . . . this was so much a loving learning time for us. To learn how to interweave passion and patience into our day-to-day life, balancing the Es and the Es within the braid that holds us together . . .
MyPassion, do you know how your loving me as you do arouses within me the desire to love you all the more? Do you know, PassionateOne, how my desire to love you all the more makes me long and ache for you, even moments after your truck pulls away and my plane leaves the air strip? LoverMine, I miss you . . . so very much. Selah.
The rage that awaited, anticipating my return from your arms . . . it is becoming, more and more, less than the nothing that it can only aspire to be. I think that is, perhaps, the problem -- that something that what was once actually something to me is quickly fading into less than nothing with every aggravation that it is responsible for bringing into my life. As in Merlin, when things become forgotten, they . . . cease . . . to . . . exist. They become angry, irrational, writhing and grabbing onto whatever shreds are left dangling in the wind.
I used to be that wraith. Happy New Year to the one who showed me that I'm better than that.
And Happy New Year to YOU, MyPassion, MyFiyaX2. This year is only the beginning of what I have in store for you, LoverGrrl . . . only the beginning . . .
14.12.07
It's all about the O
Ever had one of those Os that was so intense that u felt like u coulda gave birth to it and named it BobbySue or some other such absurdity in the midst of singin 'Our God Is An Awesome God' and 'The Only Time' -- as in NIN -- and u felt like a three month old tryin to crawl but not even yet masterin the whole rolloveronyertummy trick?
FUCK!
Yea, literally.
So eye woke up this mornin with this slickwet fantasy in mah head and in case u want a hint, LoverGirl, here ya go: TS. Now, of course, only u n eye no what that means, so eye no that u no that just typin the tee n the ess -- oh, es -- churned things up just a bit 4 ltl RuBlu heeyah. C now whatcha made me go n do . . . now eye gotta go take care o'this b4 ix drops m'dang van off. U no, Fiya, that we still gotta christen her -- the van, eye mean -- rite n proper . . . whoowee FiyaX2n2Mo . . . betta make sho we not by no gas pumps, no whaddeyemean?
Mymymy . . . the things eye think about when eyem sposed ta be workin . . .
Leven mo days, My Fiya . . . jes leven mo . . .
FUCK!
Yea, literally.
So eye woke up this mornin with this slickwet fantasy in mah head and in case u want a hint, LoverGirl, here ya go: TS. Now, of course, only u n eye no what that means, so eye no that u no that just typin the tee n the ess -- oh, es -- churned things up just a bit 4 ltl RuBlu heeyah. C now whatcha made me go n do . . . now eye gotta go take care o'this b4 ix drops m'dang van off. U no, Fiya, that we still gotta christen her -- the van, eye mean -- rite n proper . . . whoowee FiyaX2n2Mo . . . betta make sho we not by no gas pumps, no whaddeyemean?
Mymymy . . . the things eye think about when eyem sposed ta be workin . . .
Leven mo days, My Fiya . . . jes leven mo . . .
12.12.07
Stay off the sidewalks, Kiddies!
Rublu's done gone'n'got'er license!!!!!!
Oh and if yer one of the ones that's done pissed me off recently . . .
Oh and if yer one of the ones that's done pissed me off recently . . .
20.11.07
And then I woke up . . .
My Braxtin,
I miss you, Baby . . . like the sand misses the rain, I've missed you this morning, over and over again.
I just wanted to tell you . . . that . . .
I miss your eyes
I miss your smile
I miss the way you move
I miss your voice coming from just in the next room
I miss your whisper, so close to my ear
I miss your arm around me, in the night and in the morn
I miss holding you close to me and feeling you hold me close to you
I miss watching you walk
I miss your hat on backward
I miss sitting directly across from you, deep in conversation
I miss seeing your whole face light up, when you smile and when you laugh
I miss seeing the depth of emotion in your eyes, when you speak or hear of sad things
I miss feeling the heat of the fire, when you become enflamed with rage . . . and desire
I miss touching your face, anytime and everywhere
I miss the way you smile at me, in those moments when only I can see
I miss feeling you watching me . . . and hearing the change in your breathing when you realize that I'm only acting as if I don't know
I miss feeling you watching me . . . and hearing the change in your breathing when you know that I know just what you're feeling as I watch you, watching me
But mostly . . .
I miss being able to see your love for me reflected in your eyes when you're looking deep into my soul, and you're saying, "I love you. I fuckin LOVE YOU."
You are my world, My Sweet Lover . . . you are the delight in my heart, the churning my soul, and the light in my eyes. I miss everylittlething about you . . . and I can't wait until I can feel you next to me once again.
Your Angel
I miss you, Baby . . . like the sand misses the rain, I've missed you this morning, over and over again.
I just wanted to tell you . . . that . . .
I miss your eyes
I miss your smile
I miss the way you move
I miss your voice coming from just in the next room
I miss your whisper, so close to my ear
I miss your arm around me, in the night and in the morn
I miss holding you close to me and feeling you hold me close to you
I miss watching you walk
I miss your hat on backward
I miss sitting directly across from you, deep in conversation
I miss seeing your whole face light up, when you smile and when you laugh
I miss seeing the depth of emotion in your eyes, when you speak or hear of sad things
I miss feeling the heat of the fire, when you become enflamed with rage . . . and desire
I miss touching your face, anytime and everywhere
I miss the way you smile at me, in those moments when only I can see
I miss feeling you watching me . . . and hearing the change in your breathing when you realize that I'm only acting as if I don't know
I miss feeling you watching me . . . and hearing the change in your breathing when you know that I know just what you're feeling as I watch you, watching me
But mostly . . .
I miss being able to see your love for me reflected in your eyes when you're looking deep into my soul, and you're saying, "I love you. I fuckin LOVE YOU."
You are my world, My Sweet Lover . . . you are the delight in my heart, the churning my soul, and the light in my eyes. I miss everylittlething about you . . . and I can't wait until I can feel you next to me once again.
Your Angel
19.11.07
beloved,
this is what it is
to be beloved
when words prove inadequate
held against
a touch of your lips
the softness in your eyes
the sweetness of your belly
breathing in time
with me
lovedbe,
this is what it is
to be lovedbe
when the drum of your heart racing
drowns out all but the music
that captures in my heart
the way you look at me
as if i am fine art
you touch me as if i were beautiful glass
that you are afraid you might shatter
if you
touch me too much
you arouse in me things that i
had long since forgotten
or never knew could
exist
out here in reality
you
maketh me to lie down
in green pastures
no
that is God
showing up once again
within a beloved
lovedbe
i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i feel you watchin me
i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i feel you wantin me
i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when your smile caresses me
i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when you reach out wantin me
i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i am your
lovedbe
this is what it is
to be beloved
when words prove inadequate
held against
a touch of your lips
the softness in your eyes
the sweetness of your belly
breathing in time
with me
lovedbe,
this is what it is
to be lovedbe
when the drum of your heart racing
drowns out all but the music
that captures in my heart
the way you look at me
as if i am fine art
you touch me as if i were beautiful glass
that you are afraid you might shatter
if you
touch me too much
you arouse in me things that i
had long since forgotten
or never knew could
exist
out here in reality
you
maketh me to lie down
in green pastures
no
that is God
showing up once again
within a beloved
lovedbe
i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i feel you watchin me
i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i feel you wantin me
i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when your smile caresses me
i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when you reach out wantin me
i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i am your
lovedbe
12.11.07
11.11.07
Sittin here, watchin these flames, I think of the fire that exists within each of us, and the fire that we together create. Why is it
that you cannot see my fire? Are there other things of me that i can see,
but that you cannot? Believing is seeing . . . As with God, one must
believe first. Sight does not precede faith. Sight follows faith.
that you cannot see my fire? Are there other things of me that i can see,
but that you cannot? Believing is seeing . . . As with God, one must
believe first. Sight does not precede faith. Sight follows faith.
7.11.07
2.11.07
Love Song
before i read your words to me
there is somethin i must say
about this feelin churnin
that i can't ignore away
baby, you are my heart and
you're in my soul, my life is you
more love i've felt in our
short time, to me that just proves
that this is love, this is real
no hesitation and no doubt
but sometime i gaze and wonder
will you love all that i'm about
we've talked about our religions
our spirits and our beliefs
and we've spoken briefly of our pasts
our joys, our pains and grief
and you've walked with me through a night
when i felt my heart breakin from within
stayed with me til i could fall asleep
and shared the sunrises over and again
and i'm not complicated but i can't help
thinkin to my self
are we strong enough to stand together through
all 23 levels of hell
you've never fallen asleep when i
couldn't close my eyes
or watched me try to not crumble
when a beloved heart has died
and i've never awakened next to you
and made your coffee in the morn
we've never watched together
the moment a new life is born
so many stories there are, in between
the heaven and hell in my mind
i have had times of cruel intent
had them, long before i was kind
and i've told my share of lies and half-truths
and can never forget how many there were
the dark and the light within are unequal
will your tender loving heart, My Love
will it be able to endure
i've had the hard breakdowns and i have been thin-skinned
the longer and deeper i love someone, the harder life has been
i've felt alienated and i've pushed my loved ones away
i've held back my tears and my fears, and then begged them all to stay
my fear makes me shallow and i edit less of what i say
i rarely mean to hurt anyone, but when i do the pain don't go away
i talk a good game and i
believe in every word
but when it comes to the livin
it's like i've never even heard
i pray and i curse and i mean it when i damn
i never want to try perfection, but i'll do the best i can
and i have high expectations, of honor and loyal respect
and i behave like a son-of-a-bitch
when i feel a longterm neglect
and i get angry sometimes
enough to curse both day and night
and the God who married my parents
and gave me this Third-Eye Sight
i read and hear your words of love
and they fill me til i brim
and overflow with love and sorrow
for the depths you're steppin in
i could write my stories down for you
and stay up through many days and nights
but they are nothing and everything
to do with where i find my light
and you've walked with me through a night
when i felt my heart breakin from within
stayed with me til i could fall asleep
and shared the sunrises over and again
and i'm not complicated but i can't help
thinkin to my self
are we strong enough to stand together through
all 23 levels of hell
you've never fallen asleep when i
couldn't close my eyes
or watched me try to not crumble
when a beloved heart has died
and i've never awakened next to you
and made your coffee in the morn
we've never watched together
the moment a new life is born
so many stories there are, in between
the heaven and hell in my mind
i have had times of cruel intent
had them, long before i was kind
and i've told my share of lies and half-truths
and can never forget how many there were
the dark and the light within are unequal
will your tender loving heart, My Love
will it be able to endure
there is somethin i must say
about this feelin churnin
that i can't ignore away
baby, you are my heart and
you're in my soul, my life is you
more love i've felt in our
short time, to me that just proves
that this is love, this is real
no hesitation and no doubt
but sometime i gaze and wonder
will you love all that i'm about
we've talked about our religions
our spirits and our beliefs
and we've spoken briefly of our pasts
our joys, our pains and grief
and you've walked with me through a night
when i felt my heart breakin from within
stayed with me til i could fall asleep
and shared the sunrises over and again
and i'm not complicated but i can't help
thinkin to my self
are we strong enough to stand together through
all 23 levels of hell
you've never fallen asleep when i
couldn't close my eyes
or watched me try to not crumble
when a beloved heart has died
and i've never awakened next to you
and made your coffee in the morn
we've never watched together
the moment a new life is born
so many stories there are, in between
the heaven and hell in my mind
i have had times of cruel intent
had them, long before i was kind
and i've told my share of lies and half-truths
and can never forget how many there were
the dark and the light within are unequal
will your tender loving heart, My Love
will it be able to endure
i've had the hard breakdowns and i have been thin-skinned
the longer and deeper i love someone, the harder life has been
i've felt alienated and i've pushed my loved ones away
i've held back my tears and my fears, and then begged them all to stay
my fear makes me shallow and i edit less of what i say
i rarely mean to hurt anyone, but when i do the pain don't go away
i talk a good game and i
believe in every word
but when it comes to the livin
it's like i've never even heard
i pray and i curse and i mean it when i damn
i never want to try perfection, but i'll do the best i can
and i have high expectations, of honor and loyal respect
and i behave like a son-of-a-bitch
when i feel a longterm neglect
and i get angry sometimes
enough to curse both day and night
and the God who married my parents
and gave me this Third-Eye Sight
i read and hear your words of love
and they fill me til i brim
and overflow with love and sorrow
for the depths you're steppin in
i could write my stories down for you
and stay up through many days and nights
but they are nothing and everything
to do with where i find my light
and you've walked with me through a night
when i felt my heart breakin from within
stayed with me til i could fall asleep
and shared the sunrises over and again
and i'm not complicated but i can't help
thinkin to my self
are we strong enough to stand together through
all 23 levels of hell
you've never fallen asleep when i
couldn't close my eyes
or watched me try to not crumble
when a beloved heart has died
and i've never awakened next to you
and made your coffee in the morn
we've never watched together
the moment a new life is born
so many stories there are, in between
the heaven and hell in my mind
i have had times of cruel intent
had them, long before i was kind
and i've told my share of lies and half-truths
and can never forget how many there were
the dark and the light within are unequal
will your tender loving heart, My Love
will it be able to endure
25.10.07
churning
wind wisps softly
circular motions, circumventing time
turning
churning
without reason, without rhyme
do you feel it, my lover
i felt you awaken, just now
she came into my room
above me, settling softly
just below my feet
and she whispered
gently
like your breath, your body moves
as you drift into sleep
she watches you
she watches me
until the time
when we two shall meet
always churning
at once, the speed of sound
bursts forth
revealing her eye
in the midst of our storm
nothing lost, nothing broken
only tossed, words verboten
moaning shrieks and gutteral wails
is that you, my love
within the veil
it is she
churning
making way for the
new life
of our ancient love
i must have loved you before
chants the songstress
of your love and mine
how could she, but know,
to sing of love, a song divine
that has crawled through the deserts
and crossed oceans of time
churning
always churning
circular, like the hips
of two lovers moving as one
our song, our today
my love, she's barely begun
like you, i wonder deep within me
wherefore art this churning
that sent your love to me
wherefore art this churning
that sets our hearts free
churning, my lover
always
she is churning
circular motions, circumventing time
turning
churning
without reason, without rhyme
do you feel it, my lover
i felt you awaken, just now
she came into my room
above me, settling softly
just below my feet
and she whispered
gently
like your breath, your body moves
as you drift into sleep
she watches you
she watches me
until the time
when we two shall meet
always churning
at once, the speed of sound
bursts forth
revealing her eye
in the midst of our storm
nothing lost, nothing broken
only tossed, words verboten
moaning shrieks and gutteral wails
is that you, my love
within the veil
it is she
churning
making way for the
new life
of our ancient love
i must have loved you before
chants the songstress
of your love and mine
how could she, but know,
to sing of love, a song divine
that has crawled through the deserts
and crossed oceans of time
churning
always churning
circular, like the hips
of two lovers moving as one
our song, our today
my love, she's barely begun
like you, i wonder deep within me
wherefore art this churning
that sent your love to me
wherefore art this churning
that sets our hearts free
churning, my lover
always
she is churning
23.10.07
For Sister E
So I'm on the bus after my shrink appointment, and there's these two guys -- one in the seat in front of me, and the other in the seat behind mine. So, Front Guy asks what time I have, I pull out my cell, and tell him that it's around 9 after 12. So Other Guy asks what time I said, so I repeated it. Other Guy then proceeds to hit on me . . .
'I was wantin to talk to you when you first got on, but didn't know how to pull that off'
Looks like you figured it out.
'Is that all your hair'
It is now.
'I'm 45. How old are you?'
39.
'You got your back to me. How can I talk to your back?'
Sucks for you.
Oh, and the kicker:
'I just got off work. I didn't take no bath but I took one last night and just washed up today'
Ok, first off, EW!
At this point, I'm tired of trying to be nice about tellin him to fuck off. So I said,
'Look, dude, that's TMI. I don't need to know that about you.'
Does he quit?
'I like to bowl. Do you like to bowl?'
No.
'No? I could teach you'
Thanks. I'll pass.
'Like to ride horses?'
No.
'Do you drink?'
No.
'You smoke?'
No.
After getting all NOs, then he goes for the jugular:
'Well what DO you like to do? You must like to do SOMETHIN'
So I turn around and look at him . . .
Shades on, serious look . . .
Low, deadpan voice:
'I go to church and I fuck my girlfriend. THAT'S what I like to do.'
Turned back around. Front Guy is laughin his ass off!!!!!
Takes Other Guy a minute, then he says, 'Your GIRLfriend?'
Not turning around, 'Yes. My GIRLfriend.'
You'd think he'd quit there . . .
'You think God is gonna be okay with that?'
'Look, dude, God made me, and God made my girlfriend, and I can ASSURE you that He made NO mistakes'
'Well you show me in the Bible'
'Dude, I ain't gotta show you SHIT!'
'Well I'm just sayin that I ain't never read in there . . .'
'Well maybe cuz it's not there for YOU to read'
Finally he got off the bus.
Front Dude was still laughin his ass off.
Cheers!
'I was wantin to talk to you when you first got on, but didn't know how to pull that off'
Looks like you figured it out.
'Is that all your hair'
It is now.
'I'm 45. How old are you?'
39.
'You got your back to me. How can I talk to your back?'
Sucks for you.
Oh, and the kicker:
'I just got off work. I didn't take no bath but I took one last night and just washed up today'
Ok, first off, EW!
At this point, I'm tired of trying to be nice about tellin him to fuck off. So I said,
'Look, dude, that's TMI. I don't need to know that about you.'
Does he quit?
'I like to bowl. Do you like to bowl?'
No.
'No? I could teach you'
Thanks. I'll pass.
'Like to ride horses?'
No.
'Do you drink?'
No.
'You smoke?'
No.
After getting all NOs, then he goes for the jugular:
'Well what DO you like to do? You must like to do SOMETHIN'
So I turn around and look at him . . .
Shades on, serious look . . .
Low, deadpan voice:
'I go to church and I fuck my girlfriend. THAT'S what I like to do.'
Turned back around. Front Guy is laughin his ass off!!!!!
Takes Other Guy a minute, then he says, 'Your GIRLfriend?'
Not turning around, 'Yes. My GIRLfriend.'
You'd think he'd quit there . . .
'You think God is gonna be okay with that?'
'Look, dude, God made me, and God made my girlfriend, and I can ASSURE you that He made NO mistakes'
'Well you show me in the Bible'
'Dude, I ain't gotta show you SHIT!'
'Well I'm just sayin that I ain't never read in there . . .'
'Well maybe cuz it's not there for YOU to read'
Finally he got off the bus.
Front Dude was still laughin his ass off.
Cheers!
19.10.07
Braxtin
Tie my wrists above my head
Bind my ankles to our bed
Make me so hot, make me wet
Give me somethin I'll not forget
Fuck me til the brink of dawn
Lover, please me, drive me on
Make me sing, cry out your name
Ride with me upon our waves
Make me feel you deep within
There is no ending, begin again
Rock me, Lover, til I am spent
O Love, your love is heaven-sent
In the night, I cum for you
I just can't stop til night is through
In the morn, unbind me, free
I give you all I am in me
I give you all I am in me
My Lover, my Love, my Ecstasy . . .
Bind my ankles to our bed
Make me so hot, make me wet
Give me somethin I'll not forget
Fuck me til the brink of dawn
Lover, please me, drive me on
Make me sing, cry out your name
Ride with me upon our waves
Make me feel you deep within
There is no ending, begin again
Rock me, Lover, til I am spent
O Love, your love is heaven-sent
In the night, I cum for you
I just can't stop til night is through
In the morn, unbind me, free
I give you all I am in me
I give you all I am in me
My Lover, my Love, my Ecstasy . . .
11.10.07
Something . . . More
The dissolutionment paper signed, the disillusionment is over.
I woke up this morning, single for the first time in I'm not sure how long. Serial monogamist, I've been. The last five years, though, have been pretty wow. The kid doesn't know yet. Gonna try to make a trip at Thanksgiving to see him, to tell him in person. Just me, him, hangin out. Not the sorta thing you wanna discuss over the phone. He won't be surprised, though. Dunno whether to laugh about that or feel sad. Think I'll just be grateful for his resilliance.
Got an interview slot at the Seminary in a few weeks. I'm so looking forward to having my own space, not being caught up in somebody else's headshit all the time. So overwhelming it was, trying to be the anchor, the foundation, all the while my own mind crumbled around me. But it's not so bad, the crumbling. When the concrete cracks, that pain can hurt like a motherfucker . . .
(well, actually motherfuckers don't hurt if they know what they're doing, but I digress . . .)
Ahem . . .
The concrete cracking hurts like a bitch. Opening new wounds, reopening old ones, scar tissue flashing in the new light of day. And the dust feels like fresh salt on a papercut. But it's funny because the more alone I felt, the faster I healed. The more depended-on I felt, the stronger I got. When I knew that I was the only emotionally stable person in my relationship, and all I could do was hang on until the phone rang, God showed up -- in a friend, in some damned telemarketer, in my kid . . . sometimes in the person I got married to. Even the most emotionally immature person can be a ray of light, under the right circumstances.
So, I have no regrets. People keep asking if I'm okay, and get so surprised when I giggle. But what else am I supposed to do. I gave this relationship everything I had. I held back when s/he wasn't strong enough to hold my shit and I opened my arms to hold all the shit s/he dumped on me and asked me to help resolve. I learned to understand both of our shits, even though s/he never sought to understand mine. I saw the warning signs and I communicated every single one of them, and every single warning fell on deaf ears, until it was almost too late. And now it is, it is too late. S/he did the best s/he could, given what s/he was given.
But to let it end there is a copout, because just because all I was given was rape for sex, manipulation for love, and cowardice for power, that doesn't mean that when the light of day dawns, I'm not to be responsible enough to own what I've done and trade what I've been given for what will serve me better. When I come face to face with knowing what ills I have done to those closest to me, I don't get to expound on the virtues of my intentions. I don't get to manipulate them into feeling like it's wrong for them to want what they want, to turn their wanting something other than what I want into some twisted version of you-only-want-that-because-you-don't-want-me. And FUCK! If I don't get to do that, then why should anybody else get to do that to me? Not that I want to, because I feel like pure dee shit inside when I've even THOUGHT of saying "You only want to hang out with so-and-so because you don't want me around", or some other similar manipulatory statement. That was in my toolbox, too. I have a mother who used to say that the only reason I wanted to hang out with my dad was because I loved him more than her. That's what I was given. I did the best I could with that. But that never worked. So I had to find something else to use, something that wouldn't cause harm when employed, cuz when what you employ does damage, the shit don't just get on your shit-ee. It's gets on the shit-er, just the same.
You can do the best you can with what you're given. But what about when you get something more? Something less harmful and better feeling? What if you were given rape, but then given lovesex? Do you still use the rape? Or do you throw away the rape and employ the lovesex instead? And what about manipulation? What if you were given manipulation, and you did your best with manipulation, but then you got lovefreedom? Would you keep using the manipulation? Or would you give the lovefreedom, freely, with love? And what of cowardice? What if you were given running-and-hiding as the way to solve the shit you created for yourself and for others, but then somebody put an ounce of real lovepower in your toolbox and showed you the proper way to use it? Would you still use run-and-hide? Or would throw away the run-and-hide and pick up lovepower and use it the way you're supposed to?
But then, those are conscious choices, choices that can only be made if one decides to keep one's self aware of the choices -- and the benefits and pitfalls of each. We do the best we can with what we are given. But then, what happens -- what do we do -- when we get given something better, something . . . more?
I did the best I could with this relationship. Now, I'm ready for something better. Now I'm ready for Something . . . More.
I woke up this morning, single for the first time in I'm not sure how long. Serial monogamist, I've been. The last five years, though, have been pretty wow. The kid doesn't know yet. Gonna try to make a trip at Thanksgiving to see him, to tell him in person. Just me, him, hangin out. Not the sorta thing you wanna discuss over the phone. He won't be surprised, though. Dunno whether to laugh about that or feel sad. Think I'll just be grateful for his resilliance.
Got an interview slot at the Seminary in a few weeks. I'm so looking forward to having my own space, not being caught up in somebody else's headshit all the time. So overwhelming it was, trying to be the anchor, the foundation, all the while my own mind crumbled around me. But it's not so bad, the crumbling. When the concrete cracks, that pain can hurt like a motherfucker . . .
(well, actually motherfuckers don't hurt if they know what they're doing, but I digress . . .)
Ahem . . .
The concrete cracking hurts like a bitch. Opening new wounds, reopening old ones, scar tissue flashing in the new light of day. And the dust feels like fresh salt on a papercut. But it's funny because the more alone I felt, the faster I healed. The more depended-on I felt, the stronger I got. When I knew that I was the only emotionally stable person in my relationship, and all I could do was hang on until the phone rang, God showed up -- in a friend, in some damned telemarketer, in my kid . . . sometimes in the person I got married to. Even the most emotionally immature person can be a ray of light, under the right circumstances.
So, I have no regrets. People keep asking if I'm okay, and get so surprised when I giggle. But what else am I supposed to do. I gave this relationship everything I had. I held back when s/he wasn't strong enough to hold my shit and I opened my arms to hold all the shit s/he dumped on me and asked me to help resolve. I learned to understand both of our shits, even though s/he never sought to understand mine. I saw the warning signs and I communicated every single one of them, and every single warning fell on deaf ears, until it was almost too late. And now it is, it is too late. S/he did the best s/he could, given what s/he was given.
But to let it end there is a copout, because just because all I was given was rape for sex, manipulation for love, and cowardice for power, that doesn't mean that when the light of day dawns, I'm not to be responsible enough to own what I've done and trade what I've been given for what will serve me better. When I come face to face with knowing what ills I have done to those closest to me, I don't get to expound on the virtues of my intentions. I don't get to manipulate them into feeling like it's wrong for them to want what they want, to turn their wanting something other than what I want into some twisted version of you-only-want-that-because-you-don't-want-me. And FUCK! If I don't get to do that, then why should anybody else get to do that to me? Not that I want to, because I feel like pure dee shit inside when I've even THOUGHT of saying "You only want to hang out with so-and-so because you don't want me around", or some other similar manipulatory statement. That was in my toolbox, too. I have a mother who used to say that the only reason I wanted to hang out with my dad was because I loved him more than her. That's what I was given. I did the best I could with that. But that never worked. So I had to find something else to use, something that wouldn't cause harm when employed, cuz when what you employ does damage, the shit don't just get on your shit-ee. It's gets on the shit-er, just the same.
You can do the best you can with what you're given. But what about when you get something more? Something less harmful and better feeling? What if you were given rape, but then given lovesex? Do you still use the rape? Or do you throw away the rape and employ the lovesex instead? And what about manipulation? What if you were given manipulation, and you did your best with manipulation, but then you got lovefreedom? Would you keep using the manipulation? Or would you give the lovefreedom, freely, with love? And what of cowardice? What if you were given running-and-hiding as the way to solve the shit you created for yourself and for others, but then somebody put an ounce of real lovepower in your toolbox and showed you the proper way to use it? Would you still use run-and-hide? Or would throw away the run-and-hide and pick up lovepower and use it the way you're supposed to?
But then, those are conscious choices, choices that can only be made if one decides to keep one's self aware of the choices -- and the benefits and pitfalls of each. We do the best we can with what we are given. But then, what happens -- what do we do -- when we get given something better, something . . . more?
I did the best I could with this relationship. Now, I'm ready for something better. Now I'm ready for Something . . . More.
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