Something . . . More

The dissolutionment paper signed, the disillusionment is over.

I woke up this morning, single for the first time in I'm not sure how long. Serial monogamist, I've been. The last five years, though, have been pretty wow. The kid doesn't know yet. Gonna try to make a trip at Thanksgiving to see him, to tell him in person. Just me, him, hangin out. Not the sorta thing you wanna discuss over the phone. He won't be surprised, though. Dunno whether to laugh about that or feel sad. Think I'll just be grateful for his resilliance.

Got an interview slot at the Seminary in a few weeks. I'm so looking forward to having my own space, not being caught up in somebody else's headshit all the time. So overwhelming it was, trying to be the anchor, the foundation, all the while my own mind crumbled around me. But it's not so bad, the crumbling. When the concrete cracks, that pain can hurt like a motherfucker . . .

(well, actually motherfuckers don't hurt if they know what they're doing, but I digress . . .)

Ahem . . .

The concrete cracking hurts like a bitch. Opening new wounds, reopening old ones, scar tissue flashing in the new light of day. And the dust feels like fresh salt on a papercut. But it's funny because the more alone I felt, the faster I healed. The more depended-on I felt, the stronger I got. When I knew that I was the only emotionally stable person in my relationship, and all I could do was hang on until the phone rang, God showed up -- in a friend, in some damned telemarketer, in my kid . . . sometimes in the person I got married to. Even the most emotionally immature person can be a ray of light, under the right circumstances.

So, I have no regrets. People keep asking if I'm okay, and get so surprised when I giggle. But what else am I supposed to do. I gave this relationship everything I had. I held back when s/he wasn't strong enough to hold my shit and I opened my arms to hold all the shit s/he dumped on me and asked me to help resolve. I learned to understand both of our shits, even though s/he never sought to understand mine. I saw the warning signs and I communicated every single one of them, and every single warning fell on deaf ears, until it was almost too late. And now it is, it is too late. S/he did the best s/he could, given what s/he was given.

But to let it end there is a copout, because just because all I was given was rape for sex, manipulation for love, and cowardice for power, that doesn't mean that when the light of day dawns, I'm not to be responsible enough to own what I've done and trade what I've been given for what will serve me better. When I come face to face with knowing what ills I have done to those closest to me, I don't get to expound on the virtues of my intentions. I don't get to manipulate them into feeling like it's wrong for them to want what they want, to turn their wanting something other than what I want into some twisted version of you-only-want-that-because-you-don't-want-me. And FUCK! If I don't get to do that, then why should anybody else get to do that to me? Not that I want to, because I feel like pure dee shit inside when I've even THOUGHT of saying "You only want to hang out with so-and-so because you don't want me around", or some other similar manipulatory statement. That was in my toolbox, too. I have a mother who used to say that the only reason I wanted to hang out with my dad was because I loved him more than her. That's what I was given. I did the best I could with that. But that never worked. So I had to find something else to use, something that wouldn't cause harm when employed, cuz when what you employ does damage, the shit don't just get on your shit-ee. It's gets on the shit-er, just the same.

You can do the best you can with what you're given. But what about when you get something more? Something less harmful and better feeling? What if you were given rape, but then given lovesex? Do you still use the rape? Or do you throw away the rape and employ the lovesex instead? And what about manipulation? What if you were given manipulation, and you did your best with manipulation, but then you got lovefreedom? Would you keep using the manipulation? Or would you give the lovefreedom, freely, with love? And what of cowardice? What if you were given running-and-hiding as the way to solve the shit you created for yourself and for others, but then somebody put an ounce of real lovepower in your toolbox and showed you the proper way to use it? Would you still use run-and-hide? Or would throw away the run-and-hide and pick up lovepower and use it the way you're supposed to?

But then, those are conscious choices, choices that can only be made if one decides to keep one's self aware of the choices -- and the benefits and pitfalls of each. We do the best we can with what we are given. But then, what happens -- what do we do -- when we get given something better, something . . . more?

I did the best I could with this relationship. Now, I'm ready for something better. Now I'm ready for Something . . . More.