It's all about the O

Ever had one of those Os that was so intense that u felt like u coulda gave birth to it and named it BobbySue or some other such absurdity in the midst of singin 'Our God Is An Awesome God' and 'The Only Time' -- as in NIN -- and u felt like a three month old tryin to crawl but not even yet masterin the whole rolloveronyertummy trick?

FUCK!

Yea, literally.

So eye woke up this mornin with this slickwet fantasy in mah head and in case u want a hint, LoverGirl, here ya go: TS. Now, of course, only u n eye no what that means, so eye no that u no that just typin the tee n the ess -- oh, es -- churned things up just a bit 4 ltl RuBlu heeyah. C now whatcha made me go n do . . . now eye gotta go take care o'this b4 ix drops m'dang van off. U no, Fiya, that we still gotta christen her -- the van, eye mean -- rite n proper . . . whoowee FiyaX2n2Mo . . . betta make sho we not by no gas pumps, no whaddeyemean?

Mymymy . . . the things eye think about when eyem sposed ta be workin . . .

Leven mo days, My Fiya . . . jes leven mo . . .

Stay off the sidewalks, Kiddies!

Rublu's done gone'n'got'er license!!!!!!

Oh and if yer one of the ones that's done pissed me off recently . . .

And then I woke up . . .

My Braxtin,

I miss you, Baby . . . like the sand misses the rain, I've missed you this morning, over and over again.

I just wanted to tell you . . . that . . .
I miss your eyes
I miss your smile
I miss the way you move
I miss your voice coming from just in the next room
I miss your whisper, so close to my ear
I miss your arm around me, in the night and in the morn
I miss holding you close to me and feeling you hold me close to you
I miss watching you walk
I miss your hat on backward
I miss sitting directly across from you, deep in conversation
I miss seeing your whole face light up, when you smile and when you laugh
I miss seeing the depth of emotion in your eyes, when you speak or hear of sad things
I miss feeling the heat of the fire, when you become enflamed with rage . . . and desire
I miss touching your face, anytime and everywhere
I miss the way you smile at me, in those moments when only I can see
I miss feeling you watching me . . . and hearing the change in your breathing when you realize that I'm only acting as if I don't know
I miss feeling you watching me . . . and hearing the change in your breathing when you know that I know just what you're feeling as I watch you, watching me

But mostly . . .

I miss being able to see your love for me reflected in your eyes when you're looking deep into my soul, and you're saying, "I love you. I fuckin LOVE YOU."

You are my world, My Sweet Lover . . . you are the delight in my heart, the churning my soul, and the light in my eyes. I miss everylittlething about you . . . and I can't wait until I can feel you next to me once again.

Your Angel

I am troubled
Immeasurably
By your eyes
I am struck
By the feather
of your soft
Reply
The sound of glass
Speaks quick
Disdain
And conceals
What your eyes fight
To explain

~jim morrison

beloved,
this is what it is
to be beloved

when words prove inadequate
held against
a touch of your lips
the softness in your eyes
the sweetness of your belly
breathing in time
with me

lovedbe,
this is what it is
to be lovedbe

when the drum of your heart racing
drowns out all but the music
that captures in my heart
the way you look at me
as if i am fine art

you touch me as if i were beautiful glass
that you are afraid you might shatter
if you
touch me too much

you arouse in me things that i
had long since forgotten
or never knew could
exist
out here in reality

you
maketh me to lie down
in green pastures
no
that is God
showing up once again
within a beloved
lovedbe

i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i feel you watchin me

i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i feel you wantin me

i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when your smile caresses me

i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when you reach out wantin me

i have loved
but i can not be
anything but loved
when i am your
lovedbe

Fannin the flames, I become lightheaded from the heat I've helped
create. Fire tender, I love the sound of the rain & the wind in the
trees . . . Selah

Sittin here, watchin these flames, I think of the fire that exists within each of us, and the fire that we together create. Why is it
that you cannot see my fire? Are there other things of me that i can see,
but that you cannot? Believing is seeing . . . As with God, one must
believe first. Sight does not precede faith. Sight follows faith.

Love Song

before i read your words to me
there is somethin i must say
about this feelin churnin
that i can't ignore away

baby, you are my heart and
you're in my soul, my life is you
more love i've felt in our
short time, to me that just proves

that this is love, this is real
no hesitation and no doubt
but sometime i gaze and wonder
will you love all that i'm about

we've talked about our religions
our spirits and our beliefs
and we've spoken briefly of our pasts
our joys, our pains and grief

and you've walked with me through a night
when i felt my heart breakin from within
stayed with me til i could fall asleep
and shared the sunrises over and again

and i'm not complicated but i can't help
thinkin to my self
are we strong enough to stand together through
all 23 levels of hell

you've never fallen asleep when i
couldn't close my eyes
or watched me try to not crumble
when a beloved heart has died
and i've never awakened next to you
and made your coffee in the morn
we've never watched together
the moment a new life is born
so many stories there are, in between
the heaven and hell in my mind
i have had times of cruel intent
had them, long before i was kind
and i've told my share of lies and half-truths
and can never forget how many there were
the dark and the light within are unequal
will your tender loving heart, My Love
will it be able to endure

i've had the hard breakdowns and i have been thin-skinned
the longer and deeper i love someone, the harder life has been
i've felt alienated and i've pushed my loved ones away
i've held back my tears and my fears, and then begged them all to stay
my fear makes me shallow and i edit less of what i say
i rarely mean to hurt anyone, but when i do the pain don't go away
i talk a good game and i
believe in every word
but when it comes to the livin
it's like i've never even heard
i pray and i curse and i mean it when i damn
i never want to try perfection, but i'll do the best i can
and i have high expectations, of honor and loyal respect
and i behave like a son-of-a-bitch
when i feel a longterm neglect
and i get angry sometimes
enough to curse both day and night
and the God who married my parents
and gave me this Third-Eye Sight


i read and hear your words of love
and they fill me til i brim
and overflow with love and sorrow
for the depths you're steppin in

i could write my stories down for you
and stay up through many days and nights
but they are nothing and everything
to do with where i find my light

and you've walked with me through a night
when i felt my heart breakin from within
stayed with me til i could fall asleep
and shared the sunrises over and again

and i'm not complicated but i can't help
thinkin to my self
are we strong enough to stand together through
all 23 levels of hell

you've never fallen asleep when i
couldn't close my eyes
or watched me try to not crumble
when a beloved heart has died
and i've never awakened next to you
and made your coffee in the morn
we've never watched together
the moment a new life is born
so many stories there are, in between
the heaven and hell in my mind
i have had times of cruel intent
had them, long before i was kind
and i've told my share of lies and half-truths
and can never forget how many there were
the dark and the light within are unequal
will your tender loving heart, My Love
will it be able to endure

churning

wind wisps softly
circular motions, circumventing time
turning
churning
without reason, without rhyme
do you feel it, my lover

i felt you awaken, just now
she came into my room
above me, settling softly
just below my feet
and she whispered
gently
like your breath, your body moves
as you drift into sleep
she watches you
she watches me
until the time
when we two shall meet
always churning

at once, the speed of sound
bursts forth
revealing her eye
in the midst of our storm
nothing lost, nothing broken
only tossed, words verboten
moaning shrieks and gutteral wails
is that you, my love
within the veil

it is she
churning
making way for the
new life
of our ancient love
i must have loved you before
chants the songstress
of your love and mine
how could she, but know,
to sing of love, a song divine
that has crawled through the deserts
and crossed oceans of time
churning
always churning

circular, like the hips
of two lovers moving as one
our song, our today
my love, she's barely begun
like you, i wonder deep within me
wherefore art this churning
that sent your love to me
wherefore art this churning
that sets our hearts free

churning, my lover
always
she is churning

For Sister E

So I'm on the bus after my shrink appointment, and there's these two guys -- one in the seat in front of me, and the other in the seat behind mine. So, Front Guy asks what time I have, I pull out my cell, and tell him that it's around 9 after 12. So Other Guy asks what time I said, so I repeated it. Other Guy then proceeds to hit on me . . .

'I was wantin to talk to you when you first got on, but didn't know how to pull that off'
Looks like you figured it out.
'Is that all your hair'
It is now.
'I'm 45. How old are you?'
39.
'You got your back to me. How can I talk to your back?'
Sucks for you.

Oh, and the kicker:
'I just got off work. I didn't take no bath but I took one last night and just washed up today'

Ok, first off, EW!
At this point, I'm tired of trying to be nice about tellin him to fuck off. So I said,
'Look, dude, that's TMI. I don't need to know that about you.'

Does he quit?

'I like to bowl. Do you like to bowl?'
No.
'No? I could teach you'
Thanks. I'll pass.
'Like to ride horses?'
No.
'Do you drink?'
No.
'You smoke?'
No.

After getting all NOs, then he goes for the jugular:
'Well what DO you like to do? You must like to do SOMETHIN'

So I turn around and look at him . . .
Shades on, serious look . . .
Low, deadpan voice:

'I go to church and I fuck my girlfriend. THAT'S what I like to do.'

Turned back around. Front Guy is laughin his ass off!!!!!

Takes Other Guy a minute, then he says, 'Your GIRLfriend?'

Not turning around, 'Yes. My GIRLfriend.'

You'd think he'd quit there . . .

'You think God is gonna be okay with that?'

'Look, dude, God made me, and God made my girlfriend, and I can ASSURE you that He made NO mistakes'

'Well you show me in the Bible'

'Dude, I ain't gotta show you SHIT!'

'Well I'm just sayin that I ain't never read in there . . .'

'Well maybe cuz it's not there for YOU to read'

Finally he got off the bus.

Front Dude was still laughin his ass off.

Cheers!

Braxtin

Tie my wrists above my head
Bind my ankles to our bed
Make me so hot, make me wet
Give me somethin I'll not forget
Fuck me til the brink of dawn
Lover, please me, drive me on
Make me sing, cry out your name
Ride with me upon our waves
Make me feel you deep within
There is no ending, begin again
Rock me, Lover, til I am spent
O Love, your love is heaven-sent
In the night, I cum for you
I just can't stop til night is through
In the morn, unbind me, free
I give you all I am in me
I give you all I am in me
My Lover, my Love, my Ecstasy . . .

Something . . . More

The dissolutionment paper signed, the disillusionment is over.

I woke up this morning, single for the first time in I'm not sure how long. Serial monogamist, I've been. The last five years, though, have been pretty wow. The kid doesn't know yet. Gonna try to make a trip at Thanksgiving to see him, to tell him in person. Just me, him, hangin out. Not the sorta thing you wanna discuss over the phone. He won't be surprised, though. Dunno whether to laugh about that or feel sad. Think I'll just be grateful for his resilliance.

Got an interview slot at the Seminary in a few weeks. I'm so looking forward to having my own space, not being caught up in somebody else's headshit all the time. So overwhelming it was, trying to be the anchor, the foundation, all the while my own mind crumbled around me. But it's not so bad, the crumbling. When the concrete cracks, that pain can hurt like a motherfucker . . .

(well, actually motherfuckers don't hurt if they know what they're doing, but I digress . . .)

Ahem . . .

The concrete cracking hurts like a bitch. Opening new wounds, reopening old ones, scar tissue flashing in the new light of day. And the dust feels like fresh salt on a papercut. But it's funny because the more alone I felt, the faster I healed. The more depended-on I felt, the stronger I got. When I knew that I was the only emotionally stable person in my relationship, and all I could do was hang on until the phone rang, God showed up -- in a friend, in some damned telemarketer, in my kid . . . sometimes in the person I got married to. Even the most emotionally immature person can be a ray of light, under the right circumstances.

So, I have no regrets. People keep asking if I'm okay, and get so surprised when I giggle. But what else am I supposed to do. I gave this relationship everything I had. I held back when s/he wasn't strong enough to hold my shit and I opened my arms to hold all the shit s/he dumped on me and asked me to help resolve. I learned to understand both of our shits, even though s/he never sought to understand mine. I saw the warning signs and I communicated every single one of them, and every single warning fell on deaf ears, until it was almost too late. And now it is, it is too late. S/he did the best s/he could, given what s/he was given.

But to let it end there is a copout, because just because all I was given was rape for sex, manipulation for love, and cowardice for power, that doesn't mean that when the light of day dawns, I'm not to be responsible enough to own what I've done and trade what I've been given for what will serve me better. When I come face to face with knowing what ills I have done to those closest to me, I don't get to expound on the virtues of my intentions. I don't get to manipulate them into feeling like it's wrong for them to want what they want, to turn their wanting something other than what I want into some twisted version of you-only-want-that-because-you-don't-want-me. And FUCK! If I don't get to do that, then why should anybody else get to do that to me? Not that I want to, because I feel like pure dee shit inside when I've even THOUGHT of saying "You only want to hang out with so-and-so because you don't want me around", or some other similar manipulatory statement. That was in my toolbox, too. I have a mother who used to say that the only reason I wanted to hang out with my dad was because I loved him more than her. That's what I was given. I did the best I could with that. But that never worked. So I had to find something else to use, something that wouldn't cause harm when employed, cuz when what you employ does damage, the shit don't just get on your shit-ee. It's gets on the shit-er, just the same.

You can do the best you can with what you're given. But what about when you get something more? Something less harmful and better feeling? What if you were given rape, but then given lovesex? Do you still use the rape? Or do you throw away the rape and employ the lovesex instead? And what about manipulation? What if you were given manipulation, and you did your best with manipulation, but then you got lovefreedom? Would you keep using the manipulation? Or would you give the lovefreedom, freely, with love? And what of cowardice? What if you were given running-and-hiding as the way to solve the shit you created for yourself and for others, but then somebody put an ounce of real lovepower in your toolbox and showed you the proper way to use it? Would you still use run-and-hide? Or would throw away the run-and-hide and pick up lovepower and use it the way you're supposed to?

But then, those are conscious choices, choices that can only be made if one decides to keep one's self aware of the choices -- and the benefits and pitfalls of each. We do the best we can with what we are given. But then, what happens -- what do we do -- when we get given something better, something . . . more?

I did the best I could with this relationship. Now, I'm ready for something better. Now I'm ready for Something . . . More.

sad

butt true

www.getbehindjesus.net


not at all holy . . . butt very entertaining

DO click on the miracle box

Amazing Morning

I just had the most amazing hour. One of my coworkers' great
grandchildren was just in the office. Ok get this . . .

Kyrie eleison means God have mercy -- Kyrie, meaning God

This kid's name is Kyree

Kyree has Down's Syndrome. But he is just the most amazing, curious,
intelligent two-year-old you'd ever want to meet. He's learning to talk
through a trache, and he's just into EVERYTHING. LOL He wanted to see
my cell phone -- then he took off with it and I had to pick him up and
carry him back into the office to get it back. LOL

I've never seen a kid with DS who is as active and curious as Kyree.
I mean, really, if you watch him from behind, you'd never know he was
any different from any other two-year-old. Only a few of his facial
features give it away. And he's just as mischevious and cute -- and he
knows he's cute LOL.

Ya know, all the crap just melts away . . .

one more moment of stupid
that's what i sometimes think that i want
but would u want 2 stay there, asks the froggie in the window

well, today, i got to see what one more moment of stupid looks like

it ain't pretty

one more moment of stupid means
blaming others for your mistakes
accusing others of the crimes that you make
not forgiving others because you can't forgive yourself
operating asleep, thinking you're operating with stealth
forgetting what you say, what you want, what you do
and looking in the mirror, but never seeing you
giving much of nothing, asking everything in return
lighting your life on fire, yet never feeling it burn
keeping all your secrets, from everyone but you
never knowing where you're going and never knowing who
walking with a cloudy mind and with a hand forever unsteady
packing up the house and kids and bags, yet never being quite ready
hoarding all the stuff you can and trying to pay the least
wondering why what you think you want seems just beyond your reach
trying to jump, trying to grab, holding on to thin air
thinking you know what matters, yet never deep enough to care
wanting that bigger, better, faster, prettier painted doll
thinking you're backed into a corner while you bang your head against the wall
talking in circles, moving in squares
living your life without being there
never awake, never aware
too frightened to run
from that which just stares
and when it all tumbles down
you look all around
and gaze in wide wonder
why you can't hear a sound

one more moment of stupid

i think i'll pass

half a week ago

i'm not so okay today

this morning started with a panic attack at 6am, followed by uncontrollable shaking until about 730. that's why i was up. playing tetris on my cellphone until i could manage a little better.

up in my room, i cried heavy and long. i went into what used to be our bedroom and angrily told our dreamcatchers that maybe if they caught good dreams and let the bad ones go, there'd be more happy endings.

this is very hard. and i will be fine. i am not angry with you. i am just not really able to let you be there for me. and i'm not sure how much more i can comfort you or explain why i understand or agree that maybe this is healthiest or even talk much or let you do anything for me or even ask any more questions. there aren't any answers, anyway -- at least not yet -- for either of us. i'm sure this is as confusing for you as it is for me, or at least some aspects are.

getting divorced really sucks, as much for you as for me, i am sure. we've both put our hearts and souls into this marriage, but we've also damaged and scared one another in the process. for all the love that we feel for each other, love won't fix this. maybe time will, and it looks like the time that might heal us will be best spent with us untethered by our wedding bands.

i want for you, the same things that you want for me: wholeness, healing, love, friendship, happiness, comfort, peace, a good life, a fulfilling life, a life full of joy with the ones you love and care for the most.

this morning was hard. and there are probably more hard mornings to come, before they start to get easier, for each of us, in our own time. some will be easy. others, not so much.

i do love you, ________. and it is that love that makes it possible for me to let you go. our forever lasted five years. maybe someday, we'll have a longer forever. but if not together, then certainly a happy forever, wherever our roads may take us.

i have to get ready for work. i won't be home until late.

take care and have a good day.
me

ps thank you for worrying about me yesterday. i'm sorry you were worried, but i know that it means a lot that we both still care about each other. it means a lot to me, too.

From Froggie's Bag O Trix

You Are 67% Strange!

Based on your score, it seems you do have a healthy dose of strangeness. You aren't THAT far out, but you are somewhat bizarre. Congratulations on being different and having some quirks. It makes you an interesting person!

How Strange Are You?
Quizzes for MySpace

Which of the 7 Deadly Sins are you? Your Result: Greed What it is: Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness. Why you do it: You live in possibly the most pampered, consumerist society since the Roman Empire. Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be boiled alive in oil. Associated symbols & suchlike: Greed is linked with the frog and the color yellow.
Pride
Envy
Sloth
Gluttony
Anger
Lust
http://www.gotoquiz.com/which_of_the_7_deadly_sins_are_you_1">Which of the 7 Deadly Sins are you?

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Social Nerd You're interested in things such as politics, psychology, child care, and peace. I wouldn't go so far as to call you a hippie, but some of you may be tree-huggers. You're the type of people who are interested in bettering the world. You're possible the least nerdy of them all; unless you participate in other activies that paled your nerdiness compared to your involvement in social activities. Whatever the case, we could still use more of you around. ^_^
Drama Nerd
Literature Nerd
Musician
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Anime Nerd
http://www.gotoquiz.com/what_be_your_nerd_type">What Be Your Nerd Type? http://www.gotoquiz.com/">Quizzes for MySpace

Ok enuff about me . . . let's talk about . . . umm . . . oh yea, this is MY bbl