Amazing Morning

I just had the most amazing hour. One of my coworkers' great
grandchildren was just in the office. Ok get this . . .

Kyrie eleison means God have mercy -- Kyrie, meaning God

This kid's name is Kyree

Kyree has Down's Syndrome. But he is just the most amazing, curious,
intelligent two-year-old you'd ever want to meet. He's learning to talk
through a trache, and he's just into EVERYTHING. LOL He wanted to see
my cell phone -- then he took off with it and I had to pick him up and
carry him back into the office to get it back. LOL

I've never seen a kid with DS who is as active and curious as Kyree.
I mean, really, if you watch him from behind, you'd never know he was
any different from any other two-year-old. Only a few of his facial
features give it away. And he's just as mischevious and cute -- and he
knows he's cute LOL.

Ya know, all the crap just melts away . . .

one more moment of stupid
that's what i sometimes think that i want
but would u want 2 stay there, asks the froggie in the window

well, today, i got to see what one more moment of stupid looks like

it ain't pretty

one more moment of stupid means
blaming others for your mistakes
accusing others of the crimes that you make
not forgiving others because you can't forgive yourself
operating asleep, thinking you're operating with stealth
forgetting what you say, what you want, what you do
and looking in the mirror, but never seeing you
giving much of nothing, asking everything in return
lighting your life on fire, yet never feeling it burn
keeping all your secrets, from everyone but you
never knowing where you're going and never knowing who
walking with a cloudy mind and with a hand forever unsteady
packing up the house and kids and bags, yet never being quite ready
hoarding all the stuff you can and trying to pay the least
wondering why what you think you want seems just beyond your reach
trying to jump, trying to grab, holding on to thin air
thinking you know what matters, yet never deep enough to care
wanting that bigger, better, faster, prettier painted doll
thinking you're backed into a corner while you bang your head against the wall
talking in circles, moving in squares
living your life without being there
never awake, never aware
too frightened to run
from that which just stares
and when it all tumbles down
you look all around
and gaze in wide wonder
why you can't hear a sound

one more moment of stupid

i think i'll pass

half a week ago

i'm not so okay today

this morning started with a panic attack at 6am, followed by uncontrollable shaking until about 730. that's why i was up. playing tetris on my cellphone until i could manage a little better.

up in my room, i cried heavy and long. i went into what used to be our bedroom and angrily told our dreamcatchers that maybe if they caught good dreams and let the bad ones go, there'd be more happy endings.

this is very hard. and i will be fine. i am not angry with you. i am just not really able to let you be there for me. and i'm not sure how much more i can comfort you or explain why i understand or agree that maybe this is healthiest or even talk much or let you do anything for me or even ask any more questions. there aren't any answers, anyway -- at least not yet -- for either of us. i'm sure this is as confusing for you as it is for me, or at least some aspects are.

getting divorced really sucks, as much for you as for me, i am sure. we've both put our hearts and souls into this marriage, but we've also damaged and scared one another in the process. for all the love that we feel for each other, love won't fix this. maybe time will, and it looks like the time that might heal us will be best spent with us untethered by our wedding bands.

i want for you, the same things that you want for me: wholeness, healing, love, friendship, happiness, comfort, peace, a good life, a fulfilling life, a life full of joy with the ones you love and care for the most.

this morning was hard. and there are probably more hard mornings to come, before they start to get easier, for each of us, in our own time. some will be easy. others, not so much.

i do love you, ________. and it is that love that makes it possible for me to let you go. our forever lasted five years. maybe someday, we'll have a longer forever. but if not together, then certainly a happy forever, wherever our roads may take us.

i have to get ready for work. i won't be home until late.

take care and have a good day.
me

ps thank you for worrying about me yesterday. i'm sorry you were worried, but i know that it means a lot that we both still care about each other. it means a lot to me, too.

From Froggie's Bag O Trix

You Are 67% Strange!

Based on your score, it seems you do have a healthy dose of strangeness. You aren't THAT far out, but you are somewhat bizarre. Congratulations on being different and having some quirks. It makes you an interesting person!

How Strange Are You?
Quizzes for MySpace

Which of the 7 Deadly Sins are you? Your Result: Greed What it is: Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness. Why you do it: You live in possibly the most pampered, consumerist society since the Roman Empire. Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be boiled alive in oil. Associated symbols & suchlike: Greed is linked with the frog and the color yellow.
Pride
Envy
Sloth
Gluttony
Anger
Lust
http://www.gotoquiz.com/which_of_the_7_deadly_sins_are_you_1">Which of the 7 Deadly Sins are you?

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Social Nerd You're interested in things such as politics, psychology, child care, and peace. I wouldn't go so far as to call you a hippie, but some of you may be tree-huggers. You're the type of people who are interested in bettering the world. You're possible the least nerdy of them all; unless you participate in other activies that paled your nerdiness compared to your involvement in social activities. Whatever the case, we could still use more of you around. ^_^
Drama Nerd
Literature Nerd
Musician
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Anime Nerd
http://www.gotoquiz.com/what_be_your_nerd_type">What Be Your Nerd Type? http://www.gotoquiz.com/">Quizzes for MySpace

Ok enuff about me . . . let's talk about . . . umm . . . oh yea, this is MY bbl

You Make Me Feel Like Dancin!

Heard this on the radio just now . . . me and bestbud were buttdancin in the van . . . Sweet fun

Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I'll be here 'til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

It's always tease, tease, tease
You're happy when I'm on my knees
One day is fine the next is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know...

This indecision's bugging me
(Indecisión me molesta)
If you don't want me, set me free
(Si no me quieres, líbrame)
Exactly who'm I'm supposed to be
(Dígame qué tengo ser)
Don't you know which clothes even fit me?
(¿Sabes que ropa me queda?)
Come on and let me know
(Venga, que me tienes que decir)
Should I cool it or should I blow?
(¿Me debo ir o quedarme?)

Should I stay or should I go now?
(¿Yo me enfrío o lo soplo?)
Should I stay or should I go now?
(¿Yo me enfrío o lo soplo?)
If I go there will be trouble
(Si me voy va ver peligro)
And if I stay it will be double
(Si me quedo es doble)
So you gotta let me know
(Me tienes que decir)
Should I cool it or should I blow?
(¿Me debo ir o quedarme?)
Should I stay or should I go now?
(¿Yo me enfrío o lo soplo?)
If I go there will be trouble
(Si me voy - va ver peligro)
And if I stay it will be double
(Si me quedo es doble)
So you gotta let me know


Ciao
(Me tienes que decir)
Should I stay or should I go?

daybreak

how do i say this without comin off all mean and shit

here goes . . .

being with me, in *any* kind of relationship, is a lot of fucking work. it is harder to be my lover than it is to be my mother.

fuck in ay

and i fuckin like that about me

shit

there are boundaries that if crossed, take a fuckin lifetime to cross back over again

if ever

i have no idea how long it'll take
so few of my boundaries ever get crossed, it's just hard to say

but

here's what i know about me

i know that i am hard as fuck to get to know
but i have relatively few simple rules
don't lie
don't steal
don't fuck with my kid, my lover, or my mother
or anybody i call anything other than 'hey you'
that's it

oh, and don't cross a boundary that i've told you to not cross
and if you do
don't expect to be able to cross back over just cuz you're sorry or you forgot or whatever
cuz you're gonna be sorry for a long fuckin time
that's just the reality

i'll be mad for awhile
but i'll be hurt for even longer
cuz i toldya the boundary
and i politely asked ya to not cross it

and if you forget
and you light the match
you're gonna get burned
no matter what your intentions were

i'm not sayin that to be mean
i'm just sayin that that's how i am
and i like me this way
it ain't an anger issue
it's a boundary issue

yea, it's kinda like a mine trip wire
i'll tell ya it's there
but if you forget, and you trip the damned thing
no matter how accidentally it was . . .

baby go boom
sometimes big boom
sometimes little boom
but baby go boom

yea, your intentions will make a difference
you'll just get fucked up
instead of just fucked
but you will get fucked
cuz if your accidental nature fucks me up, i cain't help it if you get fucked up same as me
i'll try to mitigate it as best as i can
but if i tell you that you done fucked up, and you cain't say sorry without explainin your intentions and shit . . .
well, it's kinda like pickin at a scab -- shit's gonna hurt til you learn to not pick at it and just give it what it needs to heal right

and that makes any relationship with me a lot of fuckin work

it seems like to some people that bein my friend -- my best friend, as it were -- is an easy thang
but just ask my best friend
she'll tellya, that shit ain't easy
easier'n bein my lover or my mother
maybe
but not really

i ain't mean
or even sociopathic
i'm just a lot of fuckin work
but if you want me to call you anything other than 'hey you'
you should know up front
it's gonna be a lot of work
i'm a lot of work
but only cuz
i'm fuckin worth it

i guess maybe i've always known this
but i've never felt like i deserved to really *own* this

welcome to me
it ain't easy
but at least it's never boring

Introducing . . .

Tay Zonday! LOL This kid is a vacation all by himself

TellTale


Once



Wabbit The Wise



Within

Only Ducks In A Row


Loner Duck



Dozey Duck


Red Duck

Gim Mi


Happy Birthday To Me!

Nothin like havin your lover arrange for a whole Friday night restaurant crowd singin the b-day song on yer b-day! Night to remember . . .


Pink In The Middle

The Spring




She's Pink All Over

Qwik-E Mart!

Ru's Gone Wild!



Got suck?

Fucked Up Freddie

And for all you secret lovers out there . . .

doncha luv it?

i don't remember who sent it to me, but i'm eternally grateful everytime i watch it
cheerio!

sent to me by a good friend

We are what we think.
All that we are, arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.

Speak or act with a pure mind
And happiness will follow you
As your shadow, unshakeable.

How can a troubled mind understand the way?
Your worst enemy cannot harm you
as much as your own thoughts unguarded.

But once mastered,
No one can help you as much,
Not even your father or your mother.

Buddha (from the Dhammapada, translated by Thomas Byron)

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never thought i'd like grillin as much as i do. musta paid more attention to my dad than even i realized cuz cookin over burnin wood comes about as natural to me as breathin and walkin -- which i learned to do FIRST, mind you, or so says my momma who outta know. anyway, fastforad damn near two score and in our back yard, we got this brickoven barbie pit -- no dead barbies in the house -- and i like it and all, and Handsome works just perfectly on it, they know each other like brothers, noshitthesherlock. but it's a long trek and right on the other side of the fence sit our new, intrusive neighbors -- tho it's not their fault they're intrusive, damn builders put the backs of their rowhouses danm near flush up against my back fence. jabberin all in their hispy slang. makes me jealus i don't know more, yno?

soz one day a coupla weeks ago, we wuz in giant and wantin to buy a smaller grill for up on the back porch. well first we went to maxway, but their bullshit costed too much. so we headed over t'the giant where they had bullshitgrills for about ten bucks cheaper. good deal! and we been eatin woodcooked food about three/four times a week now, nonstop. pure, natural -- or as pure and natural as one can get in armpit, that is -- wood grillin. we got so much protein that when we get buff, we gon'be leanbuff. i already lost 40lbs and gettin cruised almost everywhere i go now. i got cruised in CHURCH on sunday. noshitsherlock. cute lil thang, too. sheeit! i never got cruised before, least not so's i'd know it. but these women are . . . women . . . whhhhhhhow

it's nice. but, not even.

so we get this lil doodad home and Honey sets it up and voila! we have a backporch grill. our first experience taught us what to do and how to not do what we should not do. she's been mine ever since.

i LOVE grillin out for Honey. it's one thing that i can do for him that isn't because of something else. i do it because i want to -- not because he's sick or in pain or being an ass or gettin on my nerves or pissin me off or hurtin my feelins or because he asked me to or . . . any of that stuff. there is no, 'i love doing this for you because . . . ' cuz there is no because. it is what it is, and it is very good.

so we hit the grocery about every week and we buy these good-sized roasts on sale and we bring them home and i fire up the barbie and slice'm down into steaks -- another great idea from Honey -- and we season'em and let'em cook over wood from our back yard or sammy's across the way.

speakin of which, wifey is preggers. seven months now. she's so gorgeous. i almost feel like early helena. so, i've gotta try to be a little tamer cuz she's gonna be fierce over this baby and i wanna see this kid as often as possible.

kid of mine is excellent. he told me, on the ride home, that he wants to be married, before he's thirty, to the man of his dreams and he wants to adopt a single baby girl because that's all he can deal with. of course, he wants his best friend to give him away because after all, he says, 'the hag gives the fag away'. k. i did not know that. if that is what he would have, then so shall it be.

he knows that my standards are high. don't be bringin no guttertrash home and actin like you wanna marry him. do, and it'll be the last time you see that thing, ever. and he knows his momma is crazy -- that she could kill somebody, bury'm in the back yard, and never spend a moment in jail because of it. she's crazy. and she's got the papers to prove it. lock me up and medicate me? and that's a bad thing because . . . lock me up in a population of hardtime dykes? and leave me unmedicated? ah . . . such are what sweet dreams are made of

sweet dreams are made of these
who am i to disagree
i've travelled the world and the 7Cs
everybody's lookin for somethin

SOME of them want to use u
SOME of them want to be used by u
SOME of them want to abuse u
SOME of them want to be abused

well
night beckons
so does Honey
ta

i was thinkin in my mind tonight about that time you showed up at pride for me -- my first pride, actually. i was wishin that i'd run across that road and hugged you and told you that i loved you for comin there cuz i knew you were there for me. i dunno if you had other reasons. i just know that i believed that i was one of'em. it might not've changed anything but at least you'da known how nice that felt.

sometimes i wish that you and yourn could come up and hang out with me and mine and sit on the mall and mback porch and talk shit about the shit in the summertime moonlight. anyplace with a prick at one end and a buncha pussies at the other deserves such an honor, as i discovered with my best friend a coupla months ago. hell, we got the space. y'all c'mon. just call first. that way i can pick up some cherries and whatever 'lectrana and the boy like.

anyway, no wonder u wuz in my head tonite. glad i got upta see what it wuz.

peace, my brutha

you're in my head tonight

hope you're ok