well fuck, i just got this email from fp about doin a slurpee run. dammit. i didn't even have school today, but i went to a game with boi. there were a few fun moments, but nothin feels quite right. i dunno, maybe i'm overreacting, but i don't think so. the fuckin with my head, i coulda prolly dealt with cuz i can at least give him the benefit of the doubt. but that pretendin everything's just peachy even after i got better and the planned ambush during session . . . and most importantly, he knows -- how i feel about honoring agreements, especially given the number of agreements i adhere to for his sake. it's not the email itself; it's the principle of 'let's not ambush each other when we go into session'. let's lay our cards on the table, go in without any sort of ulterior motive.

and believe it or not, he and i have talked several times about his pretendin everything's fine when it's not. i feel like everything he did for me while i was sick was a complete lie. all that time, even after i got better, he never said a word til he was ready to pull out the email during the session.

how am i supposed to feel safe in going into sessions with him if i'm always on guard in case he comes loaded with stuff that he hasn't even had the decency to tell me he was having a problem with? maybe i am overreacting, but these sessions are supposed to be sacred space and i'm not a big fan of planning ambushes on people in sacred spaces. i trusted him to be up front with me and he wasn't.

oh and wanna hear the latest?

the first was about the shakespeare set he got me. it was a really sweet gift and i so appreciated his thoughtfulness. until he started askin me if i'd told anyone about the gift he got for me. for two or three days, no shit, he asked me that. the last time was at some ungodly hour of the morning when we'd been up talking and i finally had to tell him that i would be sure to tell people about the gift if he would just please go to sleep. and i never realized how much he did that -- how much he seems to always want me to tell everybody i know about every little nice thing he does for me -- until he did it last week with his birthday gifts to me. he even did it when he made me jello when i was sick -- wanted to know if i told anyone. and everytime somebody asks how i'm feeling, if he's around, he makes sure to mention that he took care of me while i was sick. is that the only reason he does nice things -- so he can check in and see how many people will be patting him on the back for the 'good job' he did?

talk about feelin cheap.

and then . . .

we were on the way home tonight. i had to stop by my mom's and drop off dominica gifts for her and my kid and pick up my b-day gifts from them. my sweet kid comments that it looks like i'm losing weight, which felt kinda nice to hear. so i get in the car and tell boi. you wanna know his response?

"well it probably looks like we're both losing weight. y'know j**** s**** at work told me that it looks like i'm moving better and my pain levels have been way down."

not, 'gee honey, that's really great. i'll bet that felt good'. no, 'wow, i thought so too so i'll bet it feels good to hear it from another source'. not even a, 'that's really nice. congratulations on that'. no, all i got was that apparently i don't deserve to enjoy a compliment that's just about me unless he feels that it's true about him too. and no conversation about anybody's compliments can be complete without another rendition of 'how many people complimented the little transboi, too'.

he tells me that somebody compliments him, i'm like, 'hey that's great. good for you', 'bet that felt great to hear' . . . something along the lines of how nice it is to know that other people compliment him in different ways. but i guess compliments that i get can only be valid if he can include himself in some way.

i can't count the number of times i've had to listen to him tell me about the same compliments from the same people. or even the number of times we discuss how low his pain levels are and how he's moving better and on and on and on. and still, even if i have to remind him that he's told me that story, he still gets that wow-that's-great-and-you-deserve-it kinda response. but from the first time i tell him of a compliment i've gotten, it's off to the races again about him. i'm not jealous of the attention he gets; i'm pissed because when i get attention, he attempts to downplay my own achievement by making sure i remember that he has achievements too. i know it's just a function of his own insecurity, but how long should i allow him to diminish my achievements by inserting himself into them? i think four years is enough of that.

talk about seein things for the first time.

sometimes it ain't about cheating. sometimes it's just about being treated with respect and consideration. but a new day is coming. i'm at the point in my education where i can actually take classes only one day a week -- saturdays -- and do the rest online. i'm looking at federal jobs, and my grades qualify me for positions making . . . gee, almost the same money as he does. i think the lowest i can be considered for is around 35-40K on a good day-- but with my grades, i can start at just under 50. can ya beat that? lol

i sent in my resume for about six of them last night. a 3.72 gpa should get me pretty far.

i think the worst thing i did was trusting this transboi when he encouraged me to step out on faith to heal and get back in school. i put my trust in him that i wouldn't regret it. and i do regret it. it'll be awhile before i get past regretting this, but you can bet your ass that i won't be doing this anymore. i've had to fight tooth and nail for every sliver of consideration and respect he's given me over the past eighteen or so months and i honestly feel diminished as a person for doing so.

when i was in dominica, i thought about whether the only reason i was attracted to yeis was because of the way transboi fucked with me before i left. sad to say, it was part of the reason. i guess it just felt really good to have somebody be considerate and thoughtful of me in all of the same ways that i am for boi -- but that i don't get in return from boi. yea, yeis was being paid to guard and guide us, but if he hadn't been especially attentive to me, neither of us would have gotten the amount of ribbing we did -- especially he did from his 'boys'. lol i saw it and almost felt sorry for him. almost, cuz it felt damned good, but it wasn't long before both of us figured out that unless we told the backstory to every single private joke we had, we were both gonna catch hell from the same people.

but even that was kind a nice -- and it felt nice, too, to not have to answer a million questions about why i wanted what i wanted or needed what i needed. i've missed that.

nice to not have to hear a weak-assed sounding, 'do you want me to help' when it's obvious that i'm struggling with something heavy and/or bulky. i've missed that.

nice to not hear a weak-assed sounding 'i'll try' everytime i said 'please do this my way'. i've missed that.

and nice to just feel safe in knowing that although he was there to protect me from physical harm, he was so confident and so strong, i would have never even had to think about protecting him. boy, i've missed that.

nice to be around someone who didn't feel the need to proclaim that that they were a 'trained killer' cuz really, people seemed to know to not fuck with him anyway. i've missed that.

and nice to know that if we had've slept together, there would have been no confusion and his first move would not've been to lie down sounding more like mickey mouse than a mature adult in bed with a woman that he wants. can't tell ya how much i've missed that.

and nice to be treated as a woman in my own right, not as an extension of whosever hand i happen to be holding. can't tell ya how much i've missed that one either.

it felt nice to flirt and giggle and even engage in a little mindfuck seduction with somebody sure of who they are and what they want. for the first time in a really long time, i actually felt completely safe -- emotionally, spiritually, physically, and sexually safe with someone. it's been around maybe eight or so years since i last felt that with anyone. the absence is of it is rather painful now that i've seen what i've been missing.

it's not really about yeis personally, although it was my attraction to him that allowed me to see the deficiencies in my own relationship. it's about remembering what it feels like to be the girl in the relationship and only floating into tomboyland when i want to -- not cuz i feel like i always have to. it's about enjoying the hell out of that polar-opposites thing cuz i like the balance that having male and female energies bring to a relationship. i'm attracted to butches, dominates, and ftms who really are male and not still not-completely-decided.

i'm the girl. i'm always the girl. i'm always the only girl in any relationship. i was my daddy's only girl and i no longer settle for any less from anybody i'm fuckin. i hate it when lovers forget that. i don't date girlie lookin or girlie actin or girlie fuckin people, no matter what kinda body they were born with. i've missed bein with someone who never forgets that.

it's about waking up.

it's about 'wow . . . why the hell have i been putting up with this boi's inconsiderate behaviors, his wishywashyness about his gender expression, and his lack of ability to accept and celebrate me as a woman in my own right without having to assert his place in my life when I receive well-deserved praise? i'm the one who washes his dirty fuckin underwear, for pete's sake! doesn't he know how lucky he is?

it's about waking up and asking my self what the hell is so wrong with me that i've been protecting his feelings for four years while he gets to say whatever the hell he likes without any regard for my feelings.

so maybe i'm overreacting, but maybe i'm not. maybe i'm just tired of having to train someone to treat me the way other people treat me without my having to ask for it.

why am i still waiting for this boi to learn to think about what he says to me before he says it?

and why am i still waiting for this boi to help me feel safe in our sacred spaces when that's all i've done for him for the past four years?

why am i still with someone for whom thoughtlessness is as natural as breathing when i know i deserve better?

i dunno why. but at least now i'm asking myself the questions.

ironic cuz i do love him and i even liked being married to him.

but it's not about love.

when love is not the question, love can't be the answer.

pretty fucked up, if you ask me.